A book of Hope

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, MD

I am not one who particularly loves the non-fiction genre, unless it appeals to my heart, my desire, or my need for more information. This book does all of that for me, considering I have lost three children this year due to miscarriage (one in April 09, and twins in November 09). My wonderful husband bought this book as a Christmas gift for the both of us. It is a means of getting ourselves back on family planning while still remembering our angel babies. After reading some of my new fiction novels, I ripped this book of of my self and began devouring the pages between the covers.

This book discusses all of the possible causes of the loss of a child. It goes into detail about how to grieve and move on with life while still remembering your angel. There is one chapter in particular that helps you realise if you are ready to start trying again. I think this book is a must read for any parent who has suffered the loss of a child at no matter what stage.

Though I have only begun to read this book, I have found many answers to my questions. I also have written down many questions that I need to ask my doctor.

I really hope this blog entry helps those of you who have suffered decide to pick up the book and begin reading.

I want to start a riot!

Down with condoms! Down with bc pills or whatever you take! I feel like burring all of these things in my back yard! After TTC for over 16 months with losing three angels, in one year I might add) and no sticky baby success I'm starting to get a little irritated! Especially at those who can just open their legs and poof they are preggers. I'm a pretty healthy person with the exception of my grass allergy. Who is with me? I am going to burn the rubbers in my back yard!

March of Dimes

Today I have decided to join the March of Dimes community to help support healthy pregnancies and babies. Suffering through the loss of three children due to miscarriages I can relate. I want to help raise money because of my three angels. I want to help others and myself have healthy pregnancies and babies. Please support this cause!

Happy EDD Baby H!

Dear Baby H,
It was nine long months ago that daddy and I found out we were expecting you. We were both so elated! Happy that you were about to come into our lives and change every aspect of our future. Oh how we loved you from the minute we found out we had you. I started shopping for all things baby. I bought you diapers, onsies, bibs.... The list could go forever. Daddy and I started picking out names. But sadly, a few days later your body decided to leave mine and go to heaven. It was then that we found out that we carried you for three weeks. Those three weeks were the happiest of my life. I will never forget how you changed my thoughts about living life. I learned that life is way to short to not have love in your heart. I hold so much love for you my angel. So much. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you waiting for me in heaven. I miss you my dear. Daddy misses you as well.

Love,
Mommy

Holiday Cheer

Many of my memorable moments from my childhood come to me from the gathering of families around the holiday season. My favorite holiday would be that of Christmas. I love the lights, decorations, music, and over all good cheer! Having the economy in turmoil this holiday season it has been harder to purchase gifts for loved ones, even decor for our home. My MIL gifted me several of her "unwanted" Christmas decorations to fill my house with some Christmas spirit. I am grateful that she had extras that she was willing to give up so my house would no longer be bare during my favorite holiday of the year. Another item that I've decided is that I am only able to buy on gift for each person. This year I've decided to gift the necessities rather than the wanted. Many people in my family are struggling with purchasing necessities this year. Why not be the one to help them? Just to brighten their day, I may throw a wished gift in there too! Have a great holiday!

Absolutely Positutley

Positive outlook anyone? I'm starting to refresh my life. I want to start things over. I want to have a healthy attitude so I can pass it on to my someday near future children. I'm bringing back the heart wall!!

After the loss of our first child, BabyH, I began to sink into a deep depression. I didn't want to get out of bed. I would rather not have talked to anyone, with the exception of Mr. H. I was basically a zombie roaming the earth. I decided that enough was enough! I wanted to change my life, my destiny. I had no need to sit on the couch and mope around. I needed to be up and moving. In our old domicile I started the heart wall. The sole purpose of this wall was to create a more positive environment, a more positive me. I cut out heart shapes and wrote some positive thoughts on each one. I hung them all in a frequently used hallway, right next to a mirror. Each time I walked past the hearts I would read one of them to remind myself to be more positive. When my mood was negative I had to force myself to read, but I did, and it made my spirits rise.

Now that we are in our new home I have yet to hang or create a heart wall. I guess it is about time to get it started! I have found that I'm slipping back to my ol negative ways! I want an absolutely positutley positive attitude!!!

First heart, we will make a sticky baby!

I need some vodka, maybe a margaritia!

This week, well since Friday, has been one of the most stressful, emotional, and discouraging weeks I've had in a long time. Car troubles, money issues, and chaotic emotions about my three angels waiting for me in heaven.

Friday my car BROKE DOWN while I was on my way home from work. Now those of you that know Indiana weather right now know that its not the greatest time to break down - snow, high winds, freezing temperatures - especially when you are alone. I limped my car home, freaking out mind you, the entire 5 minute ride home panic stricken wondering "what the crap will I do if it just stops!" I kissed our driveway when I made it home! Thankful to not be stuck out in the ice box we call Indiana.

When the hubs called I told him about my wonderful '98 Hyundai accent (yea, I've had the car since I was 16). He tore it apart on Monday. After much money was spent to fix the beater it was up and running yesterday. Josh has decided to drive it to work, one b/c its cheaper on gas, and two he wants me to be in the oh so reliable pick-em-up truck. Can we say clunkers? I think it might be time to invest in a new mode of transportation. Bicycles? I can just see myself outside in 3 ft of snow with the wind blowing my hair, snot running down my Rodolph nose, trying to get to work without falling on my face.

In other news we basically used all but $200 from our checking account to fix my car and buy gas. Nice!

Then yesterday was pretty depressing. All the ladies wanted to talk about at our lunch was death, dying, and children passing before their time. All I could think about were my three little angels waiting in heaven for me. It sucks that they had to leave me, but things happen for a reason. Could my car be the reason? How about the lack of a teaching job? I think I just need to get some life things in order, and quick. I want to have my babies before I lose my mind!

I really need a drink! lol

Operation Sticky Baby

It's time to get on track. It's time to get my body prepared and refocused to house a super sticky baby. So here is the plan... My doctor recommended that I go on ovarian dysfunction therapy. In a nut shell it is diet and exercise. As of now I am using my digestion tract to rid of all of the food items in my house that I am not allowed to eat.


Diet:
1. Chicken, turkey, fish (no preserved meats)
2. Dark green or green veggies
3. Three eggs a week
4. Milk products, but NO milk
5. Salads, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, lo-cal dressing
6. No caffeine, chocolate, sugar, starchy foods, rice, pasta, potatoes, alcoholic beverages or smokes


Okay so the smokes and alcoholic beverages I already have covered. Never smoked, only drink maybe once every six months. Its going to be tough not having chocolate or rice. I love rice!!


I have to start a rigid exercise routine as well. This will start tomorrow.

Exercise:
3 days/week low impact aerobic workout
4 days/week walking, swimming or cycling


Tomorrow I will get out the ol' yoga ball and my many exercise videos. I will have a skinny booty!! This diet is to help regulate the communication between my ovaries and brain. I have high hopes that this will work to have a super sticky bambino. I will do ANYTHING to have one of my kiddos stay with me for 9 months. This is the first step. It will only get better from here.

D Day

Today is the day that I will officially lose my twins, D&C. I am a little nervous, anxious, frightened, sad, basically pretty emotional. I really hope that my doc figures out what is going on with my body. I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be able to carry my children to term. Our high school health teachers lie! They make it sound like it's so easy to get pregnant. I guess they use that as a scare tactic so teens won't have sex. If I knew it would be this hard for me to conceive, I would have started years ago.

You're Killing Me

Today I had a doctors appointment to prep me for my D&C tomorrow. I thought I was strong going into the office. Not going to cry, because I've done that already. I thought I had shed tears for my lost twins. As soon as I walked in the door my eyes started to water. This is the end of it. The end of holding my twins. The end of this pregnancy. There were several expectant mothers and fathers in the waiting room. Why can't we be those parents? Why do we have to suffer time and time again with the loss of our unborn children?! I just wish it was our time. Our time to have a family. I guess it will come eventually.

Of these things I am thankful

Although this week has been gloomy for me emotionally and physically, I still believe there are things for me to be thankful.

First off, I am thankful that I was actually able to get pregnant twice. Having carried three babies with me for a few months is probably more than some others can only imagine. God allowed me to carry those children for a while to show me how precious life is. To those of you that have tried and are unable to conceive, my deepest sympathy.

I am thankful for my husband. Without him I would be devastated. He is my rock, my shelter, my shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest support system I could ever imagine having by my side on a daily basis. I am thankful for his love, devotion, and personality. Thank you dear for being with me for 9 wonderful years.

Oh the joy of having a home. Last month we moved into our new home. Its beautiful! Its warm. I am thankful that I have a place to call home. A place where I don't have to worry about frozen water pipes, freezing in the middle of winter, or having the house blow away when a storm comes. Dear God, thank you for our wonderful brick home. I have a place that I can truly call home. There are many in this world who have no shelter. Please be with those who haven't a place to stay.

Finally, no matter how much they drive me crazy. I am thankful for my family. They have brought me laughter, anger, joy, and comfort throughout this past year. Without any of them by my side supporting me I don't think I would have made it this far.

Thanksgiving is a time of thanks and contemplation about all of the things in your life of which to be happy. Though I have suffered many great losses this year, I am thankful that there are things in my life I can still depend upon. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

A new investment

After much debate and tiredness of bleeding through a pad an hour, I have decided to make a new investment. Yes, I think I should invest in adult diapers. Maybe then I wouldn't leak all over my clothing. Depends here we come! :)

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"

What a way to welcome myself back to the site. Right now life really sucks. It all started on October 26, 2009. Josh and I were working on our new home, getting ready to paint. Just to be safe I took a home pregnancy test before painting. Low and behold a BFP! Why does this suck you may wonder? Lets just say life has slapped me upon the face, given me the finger, and took off laughing. The first week of November I went for blood work to see my levels. HCG 4000 confirming that I am 5 weeks 5 days preggers. On the 7th I started having some light spotting that went away the same day. Then on November 20th the spotting came back with her hand so shoved up my vagina pulling blood out! Here we go again. Heavy freakin spotting. Over the weekend the spotting became heavier. I put it in the back of my mind. Figured it was hormonal changes. I was 8 weeks along at this point. Then my world came crashing down. I woke up Monday morning covered in blood. I had Josh rush me to the ER at 6am. I felt losing Baby H all over again. This time it was worse. They immediately got me in for blood work and an ultrasound. They came back into my room with the horrid results. This time my hcg level was 300. I had lost both babies. Yes I said both! We were expecting twins. During the ultrasound they found two empty sacks where my babies should have been. After I left the ER we went straight to the drs office to go over my results in depth. This is when we learned that we lost both babies. I found that I have two cysts. One on my ovaries and the other on my cervix. He said this could be a result from my April miscarriage, but is not 100% sure. He was also amazed that I actually became pregnant since my cycles were so short. He also believes that my brain is not communicating with my ovaries the way it should. I was a late bloomer, which may have very well caused all of these things. He suggested that I have a D&C to remove all of the tissue as well as the cysts. I will be undergoing this process on Dec. 2nd. I was hoping that it would have been done before Thanksgiving, but guess not. I have to suffer through bleeding through a pad an hour during the holiday season. After my D&C I will start a special diet for ovarian dysfunction. He said this is sure to help me conceive and stay pregnant. When we start trying again I have to start testing right away, before expected AF. When I do get another BFP I will immediately start prometrium, a hormone to help me keep the baby.

This year has been emotionally and physically draining as means of TTC. I am tired of being elated finding out that we are expecting, only to have me lose my precious babies. I just want to scream at the world. Why the crap can I not keep my children when those in poverty can have theirs!! I guess God only knows. TTC really sucks. Life sucks. I just wish this was easy for me. But its not. Having had gone through losing three children now (in just one year) has tortured my emotions. It will take a while for me to jump back onto the TTC train. I think that breaking for a while while I get my body, mind, and emotions in line is the best thing to do for now. I guess the old saying is true. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I guess this means that I will be a great parent for having to endure all of this stress both physically and emotionally. Please keep us in your prayers. We are in for a long road of recovery.

In Rememberance

Since the loss of Baby H in April 2009 I was on a mission to find something to remember our lost child. Today, while shopping with my mom at Kohl's, I found the perfect way to remember Baby H. A bracelet. As soon as I saw this bracelet I knew in my heart that this is what I had been looking for. I will always remember our lost child each and every time I wear this bracelet. Baby H will forever be in my heart.

Living with an ADD spouse

I'm beginning to think that my husband needs some medical attention.

While we were dating his younger brother was on medication for ADHD. His younger sister she was hyper, but didn't have any other symptoms. During school Josh never did homework, but got great grades on tests. He lacks motivation and loses track of many things.

As time went on, the symptoms worsened. He has trouble finding his way to our normal grocery store. The house is in jumble. When he is at work the house is spotless, but as soon as he enters the door a tornado wipes through. He doesn't like to get rid of anything, and loves stacking. Josh loses track of time, cannot manage money, loses interest in projects he starts, forgets things that he needs to do, and has started to lose his sex drive (its hard to make babies when he doesn't want to have sex or gets distracted while we are in the process).

Suddenly things started to make sense. Big DUH moment!! He has ADD. All of the symptoms are there as clear as day. I really didn't realize this until I discovered that leaving notes or checklists for him on the bathroom mirror started to help. We have yet to discuss this with our family doctor, but are starting to make changes in our life.One thing that I have been working on is decluttering and organizing the house. I worked in special education for 6 years and am pulling resources from that time in my life.I would like to find some great information on helping my husband cope with life. Help him get his sex drive back. I would also like to chat with people that are going through the same situation. I believe it is of great importance to connect and support others going through the same situation.

What a day

I had my interview this morning. It went really well. He told me that he will call me tomorrow and let me know about the job. It sounds like a great experience. I will keep you posted.

I have not been feeling well today. I feel like I need to throw-up. And I'm a little tired. I've been this way for a few days. Strange af, then this. I hope I am not getting the thing that I had back in December. Dec 08-Jan 09 I had the strangest sickness. My vit D was extremely low and and I high levels of inflammation along with sever joint pain. The doctors could not explain why I was feeling that way. I took 8 Advil's a day along with vit d and eventually felt better. There was a point where I was unable to get out of bed. I just hope and pray that this tiredness has nothing to do with that. Now what explains the strange af and the pukey feeling?

Hoping for something great!

Today I received a phone call about a teaching assistant job. I have an interview tomorrow morning. I hope something good comes from this. Maybe this is what I've been waiting for? Maybe this job is the "one" that I need to get more experience (as I've been told I need)? Please remember me tomorrow as I walk down the hall, sit in the chair, and answer endless questions about why I would be the best candidate. Hopefully good news will follow!!

Say What?!?

Well my last af was really strange. She actually just lasted three days instead of her normal five. Aunt Flo was also pretty light. Lighter than she has been since having the miscarriage. I'm not to sure whats going on with my body. What is she trying to tell me?! I wish she would just get it out there so I can be in the know.

I've not been feeling very well these past few days and have not been sleeping for weeks. I am so tired during the day, but as soon as I lay down I'm wide awake. I have maybe been getting 3/4 hrs of sleep a night. Sunday and Monday I felt like throwing up. I also had some stomach cramps. So here I am with the strange af behind me, not sleeping, and feeling ill. What the crap!

You have me thinking

I am starting to regain my life. I've been feeling great! No lows, no anger, just me. THANKFULLY!! My husband and I decided to really start ttc again. Today I've been looking at my calendar, the one I keep with all of the bodily info on it. I started it in August 08 when we start ttc to keep track of my cycles. I noticied some interestint things. But first I will tell you about this cycle.

The cycle that is currently visiting me started 3 days early. AF has been very very light, with yesterday being the heaviest. AF should depart tomorrow, but I think she is pretty much gone. Yesterday I felt sick all morning. It wasnt until I had lunch that I started to feel better. I noticed that af visited me two weeks before. Strange.

I looked back to March at my last "cycle" before getting our bfp in April. that cycle was similar to this one and it was two and a half weeks after the start of the previous cycle. I dont know if I am making any sense. I'm just a little curious. I wish I could post the two monts on here to see what the readers think. Maybe I am wishful thinking and just dreaming it all up, I dont know. I might go buy a test tomorrow just to see what comes of it.

Here are the two months: March and Aug. August does not have as much information due to having computer issues and not able to chart as much. Whats going on?

Shortening Cycles?

Today Aunt Flo arrived, one day early of her scheduled date. My cycles seem to be shortening. Before my miscarriage my cycles were 24-25 days, after they dropped to 23 days. My last cycle was a short 22 days. What is going on with my body? Why are my cycles shortening? It has me really confused.

My husband and I have decided to really start trying again. My hopes have come up and I am starting to be more positive. I think that I am going to purchase some opk's, just not sure what brand. Anyone have any suggestions of good brands?

Again?

I've still been having some cramping. Aunt Flo isnt due until next Tuesday. Hello body? Whats up with you!?

Disappearance

So the spotting disappeared, along with the back ache. I wonder what was going on with my body.

Back Pain and Spotting

Aunt Flo departed last Friday! When she left the hubs and I decided to go for a swim. We swam all weekend. Diving, Jumping, Flipping, Standing on my hands, it was pretty intense. Tuesday I started to have some lower back pain, on my right side. I chalked it up to working out to hard in the pool. I've done that before. Well my back pain is still here, but I tolerate it. I try not to take pain killers, just use ice and messages from the hubster. Today has thrown me curve ball. This may be tmi, but you are going to hear it. When I went to the restroom I had some spotting and cm. I looked back to April when I had a positive pregnancy test and I had spotting plus cm. No back pain. Body, what are you doing?

Back pain and spotting

Aunt Flo left me last Friday. The hubs and I decided to go for a swim. I did some jumping in the pool and many many flips. Tuesday I started to have lower back pain, on my right side. I accounted it to be from working to hard in the pool. Its still bothering me. However, today I had something else occur that has me thinking. This may be a tmi, but when I went to the bathroom I had some spotting along with cm. Est O was the 11th/12th. I looked back to April when I had my bfp and I had cm plus spotting. I don't have any records of back pain. Whats going on body?

A Second Blog

Today I decided to start a second blog. One that is not centered on having a child. This new blog that I have begun to create is on regaining my life. I've noticed since my miscarriage I have not been the same person. I want to turn my life around in hopes for more positive returns. I will continue to use this blog to talk about my triumphs and tribulations of ttc. I am hoping for something new and refreshing in my life.

Feelings

I don't really feel like trying for a baby any longer. I keep trying and trying with no success. There are several things in my life that are not going for gold right now. No job, lack of financial resources, living pay check to pay check. Being poor with no job prospects and things turning out the way I don't want them to are draining me. Maybe its time for a break from everything. If I sound sad, its because I am. I just wish something great would come along. Something that would more my life into a more positive direction.

Job prospect

So I found out yesterday that a school 5 minutes away is hiring a teacher! I guess the teacher decided to go to another school district leaving an open 3rd grade position. This morning I went and gave them my app along with my resume. I was told to call back this afternoon to see the progress of getting an interview. I'm really hopeful that I get the job, considering it is the school where I went when I was younger, plus I have some really great qualities to bring to the table. I hope my luck changes and things start heading in the right direction! Wish me luck!!

Puppy Love

Since the passing of our barn dog our house dog has been pretty bumbed. Rosco just mopes around the house, wont eat, sleep, nothing. I thought about dishing him a large bowl of ice cream with the works. That ususally helps me! Josh and I talked about finding a friend for Rosco. So we decided to get a new puppy. My moms neighbor is always having puppies. Their dog is what you would call the town bicycle. Her last litter was just a few months ago and bam, more puppies! We picked out a black dog with some white spots. We call her Daisy. Yes you may think what are these people thinking another dog while ttc! Josh and I have so much love to give, but not a human child to give it to. Why not add another fur baby to our lives. So here she is in all her glory. Miss Daisy!

Cramps

Since July 24th I have been experiencing some stomach cramps. I first noticed them on Friday when we were in the pool. I thought that maybe I just pulled a muscle or worked too hard in swimming laps. However, the cramps haven't seemed to dissipate. My husband thinks that this is a good sign, maybe we are pregnant. I could only wish! Thinking about the possibilities I look back in my calendar to April when I had the positive pregnancy test. I wanted to find some similarities in "symptoms" or bodily signs. I notice that I have the cramping in common, but nothing else is similar. Each pregnancy is different, as so I've heard. Aunt Flo is scheduled for Monday(3rd) or Tuesday(4th). We shall see.

Corn and Cucumber Thief

One of the best memories I have of my grams is helping her with the garden. I didn't always want to help, but I did out of love. I enjoyed picking beans, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, and watermelon. I also loved watching her can and make pickles. I wish I remembered how she made pickles. There are things I wish I would have taken from her and continued to do today.

This year I decided to start my own garden. Josh and I planted it in April. Come to find out I have a good green thumb. I retained some of the things my grams taught me about gardening. Especially when to pick at the peak of perfection. A few days ago I was picking cucumbers and corn out of our small garden. I forgot to take a bucket out with me so I just sat the veggies to the side. Little did I think of the dog. He was running around enjoying his freedom while I was gathering a harvest. So I pick and set the food at the edge. I start to notice that my pile decreases in size every single time I look back. Maybe I was just imagining it, but it really looked smaller. I carried my small harvest to the house and notice corn shucks strung all over the yard. Whats going on? I look for my dog. I found him eating cucumbers and corn. I have a veggie thief. Little did I expect my dog to steal and eat my veggies. At least he is being healthy!

And...

Yes I have not been on here much lately. Due to being busy and strange computer issues. I had my interview on Friday and it went well. I was told that I had some impressive things in my portfolio. We spent the weekend swimming, golfing, shopping, and hitting the casino. It was so much fun. I cannot wait to do it again. Today I worked on painting my moms kitchen while waiting for the phone call about the job decision. Turns out that I did not get the job. :( They want someone with early childhood experience. So I guess 6 years in spec ed preschool doesn't count as early childhood exp. He also said that he wants someone with kindergarten experience. How am I going to get experience if no one hires me?? Job hunting is such a drag. My spirits are down from not getting the job. It is almost Aug. School reg starts around the 10th. I just hope I get a job before school starts....

My spirits are a little low due to not being with child and not having a job. I hope that something good happens in the near future. Please remember me and my husband. This has been a little difficult on both of us.

Job hopes and Baby dreams

I have been off of the net for quite a few days. Wed my mom had knee surgery. I've pretty much been at her house helping her with things. Friday I had an interview for a teaching job. It went pretty well. The principal told me that I had some impressive items in my folder. To me that sounds like a great thing! I will hear something this coming week from the principal. I really hope I get a job.

My lovely hubs and I did a few episodes of baby dancing around my O days. The baby dancing was very exciting! Yesterday we went swimming and I started to have these strong stomach cramps (similar to those that I have when AF is here). AF is scheduled to arrive the 8th, so she has a few days. Maybe something good is happening... Having had the miscarriage I am very hesitant to be excited for any of those pregnant peeps who get preggos right away. I am also a little scared to be excited for myself. I have become stronger since the mc, but don't want to have to go through that ever again.

So here is to hoping that having impressive things and stomach cramps are good signs!

Protesting Mother Nature

Today I have decided to protest mother nature. 1. For the weather being soo crappy and 2. Not allowing me to keep my baby.

1. WE WANT WARM WEATHER!!!!!! Shouldn't Sundays be sunny and cheerful! I guess not. Today it is cloudy and again 65 degrees. BOO!! Where is July? WARM WEATHER! WARM WEATHER!!

2. I WANT MY BABY!!!!!!!! Listen mother nature. You have already given me a taste of parenthood and pregnancy. I want my child. Why the crap did you take him/her away? You best figure out real soon to get me preggos again! I WANT BABY! I WANT BABY!

Get out April, Come back July

I am soo jealous of those of you with super nice weather today. I look on the weather map and it shows other parts of the county in warm sunny weather. Not INDIANA!!! It is only 65 and cloudy today. And no that's not a typo. HELLO! What happened to July?

Jobless Me

I've begun to think that the reason I have not been blessed with a living baby is due to my joblessness. So God doesn't want me to carry a luvly baby to full term b/c I yet to find a job. So why is it then that people on welfare and other government services have children all the time?! I am getting a little frustrated. I have my degree, my license to work in this glorious state, yet I cannot find a job, and cannot keep a baby alive inside of me long enough to see his/her face exploding out of my VanChina. Maybe God doesn't want me to have a child right now while I am job hunting. WHEN!!!!!! When will I have the honor and privilidge of having a beautiful child growing inside of me and seeing him/her living outside of me!? Its just frustrating that people on drugs, and other nonmedical related substances have children and those of us that are healthier have the most difficulties!! UGH!

So my healthy living habit was blown out the window today.
Breakfast: Left over calzone
Lunch: McDonalds
Dinner: More pizza, breadsticks, and coke
Exercise: Swimming (the only thing I did right today)

This has been a bad health day for me. I dont remember eating this bad before, but I probably have. I feel disgusting! That could be due to my sore mood about not conceiving. Maybe I need to go on a walk with the hubs to relive some stresses. That might help...

Flood Gates

So we just got back from our local pizza place (Pizza Barn). It was pretty emotional. A lady that we have not seen since we found out we had a miscarriage came up to me and asked how me and baby are doing. She was also asking if I've been really sick. I didnt know what to do. I couldnt tell her. I just sat there looked at Josh and the flood gates almost opened. He told her what happened and she backed off. That was hard. I honestly still feel like crying about this situation. I never knew how hard it would be to talk to other people besides my board ladies and my family about my losing my child. Let alone tell those who dont know it happened. I found myself stuffing my face with food just to get out of there. Where are you little baby? I didnt know having people ask about symptoms or me and my lost child would be so hard.

"I wish you were fat."

Over the past few days I have had people come up to me and ask if I have lost some weight. I really haven't been trying until today. I have seen some change in my weight over the past few weeks, I am able to wear a skirt that I was not able last year. WOOT! That is exciting news.

Today I was modeling myself in front of our full length mirror wondering if I truly in fact have lost some weight. I held my shirt up and walk to Josh and ask him if I look like I've lost weight. He says "You have, but I wish you were fat." At first I was like woah, did he just say he wanted me to be fat. What the crap!! I gave him this look like you better take that back before I gut you. The he states that I should be fat with baby. I then realize what he is talking about. If we would still be preggos we would be in our 3rd month. I might have started to show a little. He was wanting me to be fat with baby. It bites that I am not fat with baby. I want to have baby Buddha belly....

See bee, hide under table

If you have been reading my posts you know my unfortunate dancing act with bees, wasps, insects of the stinging nature. Today I am sitting here at the computer looking through the never ending job searches when a humongous bee comes in a dead flight path towards my face. I start jumping around and screaming like a nut (yes, again!) and Josh is sitting in the chair reading. He looks at me as if I have completely lost my mind (which I could have, especially when those strange dangerous things are flying towards my head). He asks me what this bee dancing is all about. I told him about the huge bee, you know the one the size of my head with the killer stinger, and point to the window where it now rests waiting to antagonize its prey.

Josh gets the flyswatter and heads towards the bee. Our beloved lab Rosco is asleep on the couch when all of the sudden dad swats at something and wakes him up. Josh is doing the same bee dance as I was while Rosco and I hide under the kitchen table, in fear of our lives. With a little more dancing Josh decides to give up with this pest and bring out the real ammo, a plastic container with lid and Lysol spray. He gracefully, yet forcefully, places the container over the dreaded beast, sprays a little Lysol (not sure why, but he does. Maybe he wanted to piss the bee of a little more than he had during his ode to flyswatter dancing bee act), then slips a piece of paper over the container trapping the bee inside. He then releases the bee to the outside world. I then emerge from my hiding under the table, when you start to hear a thumping sound. Great the bee is back with avengance! We look down and our beloved Rosco is wagging his tail hitting the floor. His expression is "YAY daddy!! You killed that thing! Now let me have the couch. I need me some more zzz's."

So yes, another bee catastrophe has been avoided at the Hunt house. Until next time little pests.

Healthy life in hopes for baby

Before we had our positive home pregnancy test in April I made a life change. We went to the gym three times a week, ate healthy, and lived a happy lifestyle. I continued to remain in this healthy situation through my pregnancy, until I was hit with the load of bricks: miscarriage. After having the miscarriage I fell apart. I didn't care about my body. Why should I be healthy if I was just going to lose the baby anyway. I became a couch potato. I really didn't like the lifestyle I was tunneling towards. I began to eat a little healthier, but not like before. I started cleaning my house again. I want a change. I want something exciting and refreshing in my life in hopes to develop a growing fetus that transforms into our future child. I want a baby!!

Today I am making a vow to start to live a healthier life. A life rich in great food, exercise, laughter, love, fun, and relaxation. I want to have a healthy life. I want to be healthy for our unborn children. I am being hopeful that this change will help our conceiving journey. I believe it will, since it did those few months ago.

The Plan

Food:
* smaller portions - eat out of saucers or small plates
*antioxidants - green tea, blueberries, tomatoes, sweet potatoes, broccoli (5 servings a day)
*fiber - oatmeal, brown rice, wheat pasta, 100% whole grain, beans (25mg a day)
*Omega 3 - Fish, flax seed, walnuts, olive oil
*veggies - eat directed amount of servings a day
*fruit - eat directed amount of servings a day

Exercise:
*three times a week
*cardio - 20 minutes with my heart rate at 156
*weight training - 10 minutes lunges, leg lifts, pull ups, free weights
*yoga - 10 minutes
*relaxation - 5 minutes of meditation, prayer, breather every day

Vitamins:
*Need to start taking my prenatal again
*add in Vit D due to low count at last dr visit
*more calcium

Sleep and Sex:
*7-8 hours of sleep (I tend to get more)
*2-3 sex days (we really lack in this area)
*no electronics 10 minutes before going to bed
*be adventurous, sleep naked
*dim the lights



I am hoping that this detailed plan keeps me on track. I am going to enlist the help and support of my husband. I am going to help him get back on track as well. I am also going to write about my healthy journey to having a family in hopes that it will create a positive outcome. This is going to be a new chapter in my life that will last. I am ready to start something new. I am ready to be healthier. I will start tomorrow morning. New day, new lifestyle.

Hello VanChina, Your not supposed to be doing this!

My husband is such a cute little bugger! (Yes I called him a bugger! I can do that, I'm the wife.) He told me a story from his childhood a few days ago and it made me laugh me butt off!!! The story of VanChina.

My hubs and his cousin Bry were walking around the small wicked town they lived in as kids screaming at the top of their lungs a new word they just encountered: VanChina. What in the world is VanChina you might ask. Well a VanChina is the female reproductive part, you know vagina. They thought that it was the coolest word in the world. Little did they know at the time what a powerful weapon it was.

So here I am today telling my VanChina that she is not supposed to be having flow. She is supposed to be holding in a child. You know the one that we conceived in April, but lost. How mean can my VanChina be! Way to go VanChina, way to go!!

AF is only confirmation that your not preggos

So here I am waiting and waiting for some good news in my life. Wanting some news that would make my life a little more enjoyable. Like congrats you have a job. Maybe congrats your pregnant. But AF (Aunt Flo) arrives early!!!! She reminds me each month that I lost our first child. She gives me confirmation that I am indeed not preggos. How sick is she! Just once I would like her to stay away for 9 months. I already had her gone for one month, can we please add eight more!! I know that we get to try again, but...well just but. Eventually one day we will have a child. I want a sticky child!!! When I told Josh that AF was here he was a little bumbed. Then he asked about my ovulation day. I told him when it should be and he marked it on the calendar. He said that around my O day we are going to live in bed. I have two days left with my AF visitation. Let us hope that she doesn't make a return in August.

Childhood Wishes

I think about Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory (the original one, not the ones they make now) every time I hear the phrase "childhood wishes." Although I can say for sure that if they made chocolate dishes that you could eat, I might try eating them. :) On the other hand I am not to shabby about licking wallpaper. How many people have licked that same exact spot before me? Its actually quite disgusting if you think about it. *insert sick face here*

So I began to think about my childhood wishes today. What did I really want from my childhood? Why were those things so important to me then, and not so important now? Who makes the rules that says we cannot accomplish our childhood dreams as adults? Does that make us too childish and not adult like? As I see it we need to come face to face with our inner child and not be such boring adults. So many adults have become machines, programed to be the grown-up and do things that are not so fun. I say we need to break out of that nutty shell and become adults with hints of children shining through. If you have read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch you know that fulfilling childhood dreams is what its all about. So I have set to achieve some of my childhood dreams.

Dream 1 ~ Get married to the most wonderful man in the universe. You know the one that looks like a super model and has a heart of gold.
*Accomplished! I have a wonderful husband.

Dream 2 ~ Become a teacher.
*So this one is halfway accomplished. I have my state teaching license just no job, yet.

Dream 3 ~ Have a family.
*We are so working on this one. We do have an angel baby, Baby H. Hopefully one of our beans will stick and we can have a baby to hold. When I was a child I thought it would be easy pesy to have children. Boy, was I wrong! Its hard work, but the practicing is sooo much fun!

Dream 4 ~ Don't give up on my favorite food.
* Jackpot!!! I accomplished this one today! I had the lovely Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast. This cereal is da bomb!!! Now I might have to go to the gym for a while to work off all of the sugar, but it was sooo much fun to eat!


So these are some of the dreams that I have accomplished. I am going to look inside myself and see what other dreams are in there. Hopefully I can fulfill them all.

What makes me stronger?

From time to time, I have contemplated how I have become such a strong independent woman. It is probably due to all of the obstacles I have had to overcome in such a short time of my life. Some of these things are not so pleasant, which they shouldn't be, others are pure miracles. Honestly, how can one grow out of easy situations? I believe that those times in our lives that are challenging and make us feel like "its the end of the world" are the things of which we learn the most. These are the things have made me who I am.

Oh the joy to be a teenager. During high school I had several issues. I was the socially awkward teenage girl that really didn't fit anywhere. Little friends, younger boyfriends, and a family life that wasn't really suitable for social or emotional development. Not to mention the endless times in physical therapy and two surgeries.

Oh the joy of the lunch line. I was 16 years young standing in line with my friends waiting for the wonderful school lunch (hint of sarcasm here). I noticed this strange lump in the fold of my elbow on my left arm. I told my parents and they shipped me off to the doctors office. Oh the wonderful doctor! He decided that he was going to cut me open and just take the mass out, keep in mind he just decided this without running any tests or xrays. On the day of the scheduled removal of this thing embedded in my arm he had an ingenious thought. He had just finished giving a local operation (the same he was going to do to me) to a girl with a "similar" mass in her back, except her mass started floating around. He thought "geeze if the mass starts floating around in her arm I could really do some damage." To my relief he cancelled my surgery and sent me to get tests. Now wouldn't you do the test before you scheduled surgery?? Just a thought. I went through some tests and they decided to send me to a hand/arm specialist in a suburb of Indy. I went through even more tests: MRI, CTs, Xray.. Found out that I had a tumor wrapped around all of the nerves in my arm. So we needed to do a test to see if it was cancer. This test would be a needle biopsy. WOW! When they inserted the thing into the mass my arm started to tingle and sting. Before we had the results all I could think was "I have cancer. I'm going to lose my hair!" I found my cry to be that of a sever thunderstorm. Strong downpours with no sign of let up. When we finally got the results I was preparing myself for death by arm cancer. When I heard those words "The tumor is bi nine. You don't have cancer," I about jumped through the roof. However, it needed to be removed or it would start damaging my arm. They removed 100% of the tumor. He told me that I would probably not have full motion in my arm. Hearing that I thought that I would never get to play my musical instrument again. That put me in a really sad mood. Then I was told that there was a chance that the tumor could return. I also found that it was very unusual for the tumor to be in my arm, as they are more common in backs. After a few weeks of home therapy I went back to the doctor. To his amazement I have full use of my arm. Miracle #1 ~ I am able to use my arm with little issues. Thank you Jesus for my arm!

Ever since I was 8 years old I have had some really bad knee issues. I was born with my knee caps not in the right location. They were up and to the outside of my legs, yes both knees in the wrong spot. My knee issue is inherited on my mothers side. My grandmother had to have both of her knees replaced. Having my knees in the wrong location made for pain. My knees dislocated all the time. My knee cap would come out of place and be on the side of my leg. Thus me falling to the ground and screaming my head off due to the immense pain. The only person that can put it back in place is my grams. She would have to come to our house and put them in every time they dislocated. One time in high school gym my knee came out, but thankfully it went back in. My gym teacher made fun of me for my physical imperfection. To this day I don't like that man. When my knees dislocate I have to wrap them up, ice them down, elevate above my heart, and learn how to walk. For one day I am stuck on the couch in the healing process. Day two, I learn to walk even though the pain is killer. After I graduated high school in 2001, I went to have my left knee operated on. My surgeon was the one that did the knee operations for the Indianapolis Colts. I was in pretty good hands. My surgery consisted of moving my knee cap to the correct place in my leg, tightening the muscles and tendinitis on the inside of my leg, and having three screws put in the bone below my knee (I can feel and see the screws). I guess while I was in surgery my knee came out and he was so amazed that he had interns look at me. Strange having people look at me while I am knocked out and barely dressed. So my surgery went well. I had loads of physical therapy as I went through my freshman year of college. I hated using crutches, so when I started to feel better I didn't use them. I even went ice skating. Probably not a good idea, but I had fun and didn't get injured. One thing that my knee dr told me was that he was really surprised that I am able to walk. My knees are so bad that I shouldn't be walking. Miracle #2 ~ I can walk, even though my knees are bad. I still have three more knee surgeries to go. The surgery that was done on my left will be done to my right. Then I will have to have two surgeries to remove the screws from my knees. The dr said the scerws would start hurting and I would have to have them taken out. So far, the three that I have in my left leg don't bother me to much.

When I was 17, I fell out of love with my father. I didn't want him as a father anymore. I really didn't want him in my life. Not many people know that my father was very abusive, physically and emotionally, to me and my mom, not to mention an drunk. It was Saturday, April 21, 2001 and he was in a terrible mood. He was mad that the computer was broken. He wanted me to fix it, while he yelled and cussed. I became tired of listening to him yell. I got up from the computer and started walking to my room. I wanted to be alone, much like I wanted everyday. The next think I knew I was on my back on the floor with him sitting on my stomach. (He is a 6'5" 280lbs man) He was hitting me, pulling me up with my hair and slamming my head down on the floor. Yelling, cussing, hitting me while I lie under him crying and fighting to break free. I thought he was going to kill me. I had bruises all over my body and had to hid them when I went to school on Monday with longer sleeves and jeans. I didn't talk. I was dating Josh at the time and he knew what happened. Ever since he wouldn't let me alone with my father. I really didn't want to be alone with him. I found out that when my mom was 9 months preggos with my little sister he held a loaded gun to her stomach. When I was 22 I had enough of his abuse and moved out. I moved in with Josh so I could be safe. He still abused my mother. Last year my mom caught him with another woman. He became mad and put bruises all over her. He told her that he didn't care about my mom or me and didn't care what he did to us. Thankfully they divorced this year. He is still abusing my mom, not physically, but emotionally. He calls her all the time. She isn't strong enough yet to not answer the phone. A few months ago he was really mad and went to my moms house and said he was going to kill some people and then left. Mom called the state police. I called them the next day b/c he was threatening to take parts out of my car and harassing my husband and I by texting, calling, and driving by our house. The thing is, my dad is a cop. I don't think he should be. I think that the reason for my socially awkwardness in high school is do to the abuse that I endured throughout my life living with him. I know don't take crap from men. I have a wonderful husband who is the complete opposite of my dad. I am thankful that my husband has helped me build my self confidence and pushed me to become more social. One sad thing about this situation is that my sister has married someone like my dad. She doesn't see it yet, but her life is just like what we had growing up. I only pray that she gets out, but he has pulled her away from us. I no longer have a relationship with my sister b/c of the man she married. The man that is identical to my father.

My grandmother was the most important person in my life. She was so full of life, love, and happiness. I only dream of being like her. When I started my second freshman year of college in 2004 she had a stroke.Seeing her in the state of disoriented mind really hurt. She wasn't my grams. She was someone that took over her body and mind. I knew she wasn't going to get better. I wanted her to be at my wedding. In June 2006 we married and she was able to witness one of the happiest days of my life. Sadly the same year, two days after Christmas she passed away. That was one of the hardest times in my life, but I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. I only wish that she could have seen me have children, but she has my angel baby with her. My first daughter will be named after her. She was Mary Magdalene. My daughter will be Makayla Magdalene. I love my grams. I know she watches over me every day.

In April 2009, my husband and I finally had a BFP (big fat positive) on HPT (home pregnancy test). We were so excited. Josh wanted to tell the world that we were finally going to become parents. We told all of our family members, they were very happy for us. Then over Easter weekend I started to bleed. The bleeding increased and I went to the ER. I called Josh from work to come be with me. We had a miscarriage...This was one of the darkest times in my life. I sat around the house, mostly on the couch or in bed, for two weeks. Not answering the phone, not wanting visitors, only reading. I rarely took showers. Didn't want to eat, but Josh mad me. I didn't like the fact that I lost my child, my Baby H. Now I am able to start ttc again, but it has been hard. I'm worried that I will have another mc. Worried that I may not become pregnant. Its tough, but I'm going to survive.

Having gone through many obstacles in my life I have become stronger. I will continue to grow strong every day. My only hope is that I can help my future children to become strong and independent.

May 10, 2009 When Treadmills Attack

Embarrassment is one of those things that you just have to laugh at, pick yourself up, and try again. Today at the gym I had a moment of huge embarrassment!! I had I fight with the treadmill and it won. Sadly I have battle scars. So I'm walking on the treadmill at a 3.8 rate of speed with 1.0 inclination. Minding my own business and listening to my music on my blackberry. So I'm walking great, enjoying the workout. All of the sudden out of no where my phone comes flying at me at full force. It creeps me out and I loose my footing. I do a face plant, yes a FACE PLANT, into the treadmill and then slide off. It looked like one of those cartoons where the character falls off the treadmill and goes flying through the air and hits the wall. After I fell flat on my face and flew off of the treadmill. I sit on the floor in the gym totally in shock and embarrassed. The guy on the treadmill next to me, who happened to look like one of those hott movie stars that you would love to meet and just touch, takes off his headset and looks at me and says "Hey honey, are you okay?? You took a pretty mean fall." I told him I was fine and then he continued "Well at least I know I'm not the only one who does a face plant on one of these things. You sure you’re okay?" I assure him for probably the third time that I'm fine. Then he looks at me and smiles then puts his headset back on his cute head. I didn't want the treadmill to win, so I got back up and tried again! Everything was going great. I started to feel a little wobbly. I felt like a weeble. You know weebles wobble but they don't fall down. I thought I was going to fall down. I decided it was time to pack up and leave the gym while I still had a small slice of my dignity. I drive the 20 minute drive home. When I got home I looked at my battle scars. OUCH! I thought I felt like I was bleeding. Sure enough I was. So the score for the battle with the treadmill:
Stacy – 0

Treadmill - 2

How to Kill a Wasp

Step 1: Get the fly-swatter and ease your way to the wasp.
Step 2: Wait for it!! Wait for the wasp to land on something (and a window screen does not count!! as I found out). Smack it hard!
Step 3: As the wasp is flying towards your head looking very angry run run as fast as you can!! Screaming all around the house. Jump up and down and spin in circles to make sure it is not on you.
Step 4: Go back into the laundry room to find that he is still on the window screen moving his wings. He looks very angry.
Step 5: Decided to avoid the laundry room until the hubs gets home to take care of the pesky varmint.

Did you know that if you google search “How to Kill a Wasp” you get 1,340,000 hits!? I mean really how many ways are there to kill those pesky little varmints!! Of course I’ve tried doing it my way. You know, running around the house screaming like a complete idiot that looks like I should be locked up. Dancing around the house like someone has caught me on fire just to get away from the stingy little bug. Why on Earth are those things so hard to get rid of? Obviously we need 1,340,000 ways to help us kill the insect. I suppose just a shoe or fly-swatter just won’t do! So I decided why not try some of these ways to see which one is the best possible solution for the fatality of the wasp. This is my journey in killing a wasp!!
So one idea that I found out of the 1,340,000 was that you can become a ninja and permanently disable and rid of the small creature. So the idea is that you take a pair of scissors and cut the trouble-maker in half. First off, I am not one that wants to be that close to something that could cause me immense pain! This idea may work, but me I’m too much of a chicken to even begin to try this one out! So on to the next possible heart splitting solution to kill a pesky wasp.
Apparently there is a redneck way to kill a wasp. According to the informational video you should take a can of hair spray and a lighter to make a torch. Burn the stinking wasps. Well what happens if you burn yourself? I could see many great things happening with this one. Maybe my firefighter husband can burn the sucker!!!