Friday, July 1, 2011


Someday I will be a mommy to living children. I'm just not sure when that will be.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Dear God,

As I am about to make my way to the hospital, I ask that you please lord, let here be a baby in there. Let my labs show a good hcg level that is correct with my 4wk 5d pregnancy. Please Jesus, let this be true. Let this be happening to in my life at this very moment. Thank you for doctors to find a cause and a cure for all of my miscarriages. I know those babies are up there in heaven watching over me. I know that you are taking care of them. Lord, please let there be a baby growing healthy in me right now.

Peace out Jesus
love, me

Dear home pregnancy tests,

Over the past few days (11 to be exact) I have taken several tests only to have them show up negative. My period is 11 day late! You would think that something is going on with my body, like hello a pregnancy!!??!! Yesterday I was so ill. So I decided to use one of your sisters a Clear Blue Easy. Look! What was that! Is that a line! I hold it up to the light call my husband into the room to stare at you. Yep. There it is a faint, faint line. It's about time! I decided to take two more of you, one last night and one this morning, and both had faint faint line. I guess it is time to call the RE. Thank you dear hpt for showing me a "I hope it is positive" test. I just wish you would have shown me sooner. I truly hope you are right!


Wednesday, June 29, 2011


This past cycle has been the strangest for me. First off my period is 10 days late. On the day of which she should have arrived I had 6 days of spotting. Yes six. No flow nothing. I have take 4 tests, all negative.

Today I feel horrid. I could not sleep at all last night. Kept tossing and turning, because I felt the need to puke. Around 5 am I in fact was face planted in the porcelain thrown throwing up dinner from last even. After that I felt fine. I was able to get a few hours of sleep. All I feel now, is weakness and well the occasional nausea. The husband has been soo good throughout this. He has given me washcloths, crackers, sprite, and chicken noodle soup. Then he lets out, "It's probably morning sickness. Wouldn't that be great!" I really do enjoy his optimism. I made him go buy another test for me. If nothing, then I will be calling for blood work.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Childhood loves

The book I'm currently reading, The Happiness Project, has really given me some incites on what it is to be happy and how to bring happiness into my life.

One chapter in the book discussed how to put more fun into your daily routine. She gave several strategies, but one that really caught my attention was to bring back things that you enjoyed in your childhood.

So I though, "what did I do in my childhood that made me the happiest?"

I thought that it would be one of those questions where I had to sit and think forever. Or I thought that, well maybe this could help, but I doubt it. I decided to put these things to the test and it actually worked. It actually infused happiness into my life for that split second.

What did I do?
1. Coloring (this was very relaxing)
2. Playdough (love the smell)
3. Hula Hoop (gives me my workout too)
4. Cutting out pictures in a magazine of what I want for my future

Now I pose this question: What did you enjoy as a child that would bring much happiness to your life?

Sunday, June 26, 2011


The weekends just seem to be going faster and faster. Could it be that we have been extremely busy working on our newly purchased house to get it ready for insurance??

I say yes.

This could also be the cause of my crazy AF, well lack there of. But I am less stressed than I was a few days ago. I am hoping that she decides to show.

It has been nice doing these changes to the house. I enjoy seeing the progress. I just wish the weekends were just a little bit longer. That way we can get more accomplished. And I could get more time with the hubster.

Friday, June 24, 2011


Being diagnosed with Anitphospholipid Antibodies Syndrome (APS) has been a blessing and a curse.

Blessing: I now know the reason to why I keep having miscarriages.

Curse: I have to watch my intake of green veggies because they cause blood clots. And I love me some green veggies.

APS is a blood clotting disorder that causes my body to build blood clots to kill anything in my body that isn't me. So that sweet little baby that I have growing inside of me is being attacked and starved of its nutritional supply causing me to have miscarriages.

I wish my body wasn't so mean to my unborn children, but it's what I have. I cannot change the fact that I was born with this. I just have to live with it. So if that means taking baby aspirin on a daily basis and becoming a chick with injectables, then that's what I'll do. Even though the lovely heparin gives me bruises, those bruises are there for love. For the love of the child that I am trying to create for my family.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Curse you Prometrim

Father's Day I took a home pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant. The result was negative. That evening I start some spotting. I thought okay AF is going to arrive. Since then I have only had spotting. So I tested again thinking that it was implantation, lo and behold another negative. I called my RE's office today and they said that it is probably my Prometrium slowing things down a bit. I stopped that on Monday. The nurse said it could take a while for it to get out of my system. So this spotting is just a prelude of what is to come. If I don't start flow over the weekend I am to all the dr's office. Please pray that I start or either get a positive test. I just wish something would happen already.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I'm thinking about changing our master bedroom from something out of a college dorm room as picture below:

To something a little more like this:

Yes, the layout would be different. And Yes I do love to sleep in extreme darkness, but I think having this light upbeat color of a room will really boost my mood. The transformation of this room will start....July 1st. I'm hoping it brings some happiness into my day. It's yellow. Yellow is the color of sunshine, something that makes me happy. So why not adventure into a yellow master bedroom.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Walk with a View

I decided to capture the moments in my life when I am out walking with pictures. This way I have some sort of visual reminder of what made me happy while I was walking. These pictures are of a walk I took on our recent vacation to Michigan.

Every time I look at these pictures they make me smile. Make me feel at peace and relaxed. I guess to keep that state of mind I need to look at these pictures more often.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dear God,

Please allow my body to be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Please Lord, help me to make my husband a father of living children so that next Father's Day we will actually be able to spend it in joy, rather than sorrow. Please make me a mommy and the husband a daddy. Please.

Love, me

Monday, May 30, 2011

A new beginning

I start my happiness project at this web site:

This website has an Authentic Happiness Inventory Questionnaire. I found this in the book that I am currently reading; The Happiness Project. I figured it is a good place to start. Hey, a girls gotta start somewhere.

On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the most happiest, I scored a 3.13. I wonder how this will change as my life goes on with this journey of mine.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Happiness Project

Today I have started to read The Happiness Project. I'm hoping that after completion of this book I can start my own happiness project. I just need to do something with my life. This whole negativity of TTC has really brought me down. I need to look at what makes my life happy. Whats the good in my life. I'm on a mission to discover this happiness. Maybe it will make my journey to motherhood a bit easier too.

Here's to hoping!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


My heart is breaking.

I feel like I am being torn apart.

I feel all alone.

Trying to become a mother has been the hardest thing for me both financially and emotionally. Seeing people become parents hurts the most. Especially when you know that they are under no financial way to even go out and buy a $1 burger from McDonald's. Or those that do drugs. People who don't even have a home. Why can't I have a child? I have all of those things.

Except, my body is broken.

My body is literally killing my children. I feel responsible for what is happening, but its not my fault. I was born this way. And people miscarriages are not contagious! What i have you cannot catch. I wish I didn't have this. Wish I didn't have to base my life around the clock.

6am - vitamins and aspirin
6pm - vitamins
7pm - heparin
9pm - prometrium

Or have scheduled days for sex. Really this is supposed to be something enjoyable, not planned and ordered.

I guess I am just tired of not having what my heart yearns for. i want to be a mother, but will it ever happen??

Yes, i finally have the tools to get there, but will I get there before we go broke.

I'm sorry dear husband for not being able to gift us a child..........

I'm tired of being broken......

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Today I took my 6th injection of heparin, 6th dose of aspirin. I'm starting to have some bruising from the injections, but am soo thankful for them. I call those bruises "bruises of love." I love having them because I KNOW that we finally have an answer to our reoccurring miscarriages. I'm thankful for the possibility to be having a child soon. Test day is Tuesday. I'm anxious to see what that day brings!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Versatile Blogger Award

A HUGE thank you goes to I

was not expecting to get an award. To be truthful I haven't

been great at writing on here lately....

The Rules:

1. Winners ~ Put the above image in your blog

2. Include a link back to the person who gave it to you

3. Tell 10 things about yourself

4. Award 15 other bloggers

5. Contact the bloggers you awarded and let them know they won

10 things about me:

1. My husband and i have been trying to have children since Aug 2008. We found out that my body is killing our children by cutting out their nutritional supply by using blood clots (brutal I know).

2. I have my teaching license, just cannot find a job thanks to this economy.

3. I lived in Germany for 4yrs, while the Berlin Wall came down. My dad was in the military.

4. I have two black labs, Rosco and Daisy, who I love to pieces.

5. I enjoy reading, I just don't have the time.

6. I love to go walking, yet I have no one to walk with, so I either go alone or don't go at all...

7. I play the Sims and build the dream version of myself.

8. I love to paint my toe nails.

9. No Doubt is the best music group!!!

10. I'm terrified of needles, yet my husband has to give me injections for APAS..

My 15 awards go to.........

Monday, April 18, 2011


I dont think that my husband has looked at my naked rear as much as he has in the last couple of months for all this ttc necessities. Today I had my cd13 ultrasound with the RE. I had two large follies on the right, zero on the left. Which i'm okay with. I trucked my self over to the pharmacy and picked up my trigger. The husband gave me the shot when we got home. Yep this shot was in my butt. No I know he has seen it many many many times before, but its just different when he's going at it with a needle full of meds to help with this whole baby making process. I'm thankful that I have someone like him to do this for me. He's just one heck of an amazing guy. Why else would I be with him!! :) Anyways, Saturday I start heparin and baby aspirin. Wish us luck! I sure hope this is the time for us!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


Dealing with infertility and miscarriage is bad enough, but having to deal with that plus the money factor is a HUGE slap in the face. I cannot believe how expensive the meds are! And the thing is insurance does not cover them! Why? Because its not a life threatening condition.

What I dont understand is how people that cause themselves harm through some sort of dangerous activity (ie, drinking, smoking and drugs) get the coverage they need for issues that happen due to their risky behavior. Yet here I am who has not caused this condition and I'm the one to get punished financially! Makes no sense. I wish these insurance companies knew how it felt to walk in my shoes. Just to see if it would make a difference.

Yes, this is expensive, but it's more than worth it to be able to hold my living child in my arms.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My life has been...

CRAZY!!!!! i've been beyond busy lately. So much so that I havent been able to get on here and tell you whats been going on. The most important thing. I got the call back from the RE. Found out that my body is killing my husbands DNA. How great is that!! I know you may think wth?!? Why is this lady glad that she is killing her husbands dna! well this my friends means that I have answers. Answers as to why I keep having miscarriages. Answers that will help me achieve my dream of becoming a mother. So basically my body is building clots to kill off the hubsters dna of our child. My body is just super strong and only wants me to be in there. Its kinda like a souped up immune system. Found out that I am going to have children! i just have to take (and here is the HUGEMUNGOUS list) Femara, baby aspirin, heparin, hcg trigger, and prometrium. Shoo what a least. But, I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of this infertility tunnel!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Tomorrow I go in for antibody/immunity testing.

That's all.

Just more rounds of testing.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


It has been two days since I have been injected with the hcg trigger shot. I will be at 36 hours at 2pm today. So in about 4.5 hours the trigger will have been in my system for 36 hours. It's amazing what one little drug can do.

Yesterday, I just had the curiosity to see if the trigger shot actually would work. If it would actually give me a false positive. I had one hpt left so I decided to use it. Yep i was only at cd15 and I know that there was no way that the test would be positive other than the drugs that I've been shot up with. I took it, and it was positive. thus reassuring that this is actually going to work. this has to work. I will be a mother. I am a mother. Seeing that positive, false as it may be, gives me hope that I will see a true positive soon. I have faith.

Since Friday, I've been feeling pretty tired. I actually took a nap yesterday. Taking naps are rare for me. I only take them when I'm not feeling well and that's not very often. Then I felt like going to be at 8pm. Funny how this drug makes me feel. I have also had some slight abdominal pain. Which I was told was normal since the follies would be rupturing.

I'm ready to hold a baby in my arms. This just feels right. Everything about this feels right. I hope my rightness feelings come true.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Excuse me, what was that!?!

Today I went in for my CD14 ultrasound to see how that 150mg of clomid was working in my body. From the start I told the ultrasound tech that i wanted to see if my follies were big enough to get the HCG trigger shot. (I say this each and every time I go in.) All of the sudden she starts talking about how the hcg will effect my body. How I cannot test earlier than the specified test date. Then she asks my husband if he feels comfortable giving me the shot.

Mrs. P tells me that I have three follies on the right side, one of them is mature. On the left there are two follies, one of them is mature.

A whole whirl of emotions floating through my brain. I get dressed, go out in the hallway.


Did they just say that I can get the trigger!!! We were standing out in the hall along with the ob and the u/s tech. I look at them and say, "so does this mean I get the trigger shot." Dr C looks at me and says that he is feeling out the script right at that very moment. Then he gets this huge smile on my face (very reassuring for me) and so do we.

This is such a huge step in our TTC journey. I hope and pray that this month is the month in which we get and stay pregnant. I've been praying to God. Visualizing a positive pregnancy test and a growing baby in my arms. I have my vision boards that are themed around a healthy pregnancy in my site at all times. Things have to work out.

Just have to be optimistic.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Here we are three days before ovulation and we have yet to have some baby making time. why? Because he is tired, he cant concentrate, he doesnt feel good, his back hurts. He wants to have a baby, but he's not interested in doing the deed. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to push and push him into having sex. I'm tired of being the one to start it all. And then today he told me that I suck at it. WTH!?! I love my husband dearly, we both want to have children desperately. Could it be that infertility has sucked our baby making out of our lives?
Why should I even continue with the clomid and prometrium? Why should I even consider going to an RE! It's pointless if he doesnt want to get it on with me.

But I do............ I love touching him, kissing him, hugging him, but I guess thats not enough any more.

I dont want to stop trying for children, but I have to have someone that wants to make love to me.

I dont know what to do anymore. I'm tired. I'm lost. I feel broken.

Friday, February 11, 2011


Today Aunt Flowage was supposed to show her beautiful face. I was ready for her so I could start another round of clomid in hopes of a good conception. Well, she normally arrives in the morning, but she has yet to show. So i took another test, negative. What the heck! I'm not sure whats going on with my body.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


This month my progesterone level was only 8. I guess I was just expecting that since last month was so wonderful. I have to test tomorrow and call with the results. If the test is negative then af should be here Friday. What a way to start the weekend.

I just wish it was my turn already. ALL of our coupled friends are expecting. None of them had trouble with conception. In fact one of them got it on the first month. i am in total envy of that. i wish that my body would allow me to sustain a pregnancy.

i guess it's on to clomid round 3.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


"For nothing is impossible with God." Matthew 1:37
Dear Jesus, Dear Lord,
I have heard that scripture over and over that NOTHING is impossible with you. I know this to be true, but sometimes its hard to fathom. If nothing is impossible, then why do I keep losing the babies that I truly desire? That's something I just don't understand. I know you want us to be happy, but then I sit here in misery wondering why the happiness of a child has yet to be granted into my womb, into my arms, into my life. I do want to have children. It's something that I've wanted since I was in high school. But, I waited. I waited until I was married before I decided to start trying for a child. Yet, there is none with me in my arms.
I guess something that you made possible is for me to survive miscarriage after miscarriage. To come out stronger in the end, with more of a voice for myself. Maybe the lesson that I am to get out of this is to help people who have and will experience such tragedy. Lord, I pray that people don't have to experience this heartache. I pray that I don't have to experience something like this again.
Please bring my husband and I a child. One that I can hold in my arms and heart. One where I can teach to read, ride a bicycle, walk, make grilled cheese. I want to be a mommy. Please grant me my wish. Thank you for taking care of my babies that are with you.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Dear icicle,

Dear icicle,

I can see you growing oh so long at the edge of our roof. But i suppose I should have known not to walk under you! Ouch! Thanks for falling on my head. It gives me a reminder that I need to knock you down before you do that to me again!!

Love, me

Friday, February 4, 2011


It seems like we are always waiting......

Waiting at the doctors office
waiting at restaurants
waiting for someone
waiting for answers
waiting for a certain time of the year (hello spring! I'm talkin to you)
waiting for a phone call
waiting for test results
waiting, waiting, waiting.
Right now, I'm waiting for that baby of mine to be in my arms. I've been waiting for two and a half years. And I can say that I've been pretty patient. Through all the testing, the four miscarriages, and watching all of my coupled friends announce pregnancies, I've been waiting. I've been somewhat patient. Now I could be a bit more patient, but nature takes over and I want things now!!
I know there is a plan for everything. That God is in control of our lives. But God, when will it be my turn to have a child of my own?
Right now, I am trying to be patient in my wait to get the results of my progesterone testing. I'm also waiting to test to see if God has granted me to be a mommy this month.
We can't change the fact that we have to wait. We will be waiting for the rest of our lives for something or another. I guess all we can do is find some coping skills to help us deal with the fact that we will have to be waiting on something. Like: reading, walking, watching television, being addicted to facebook, playing online games, playing card games... The list is endless. But I know that while I wait God has a plan for me. Something great that I have yet to see, but it's there. He knows it. Someday so will I.
"Love is NEVER tired of waiting." 1 Corinthians 13:4

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Thank you clomid!!!!

Thank you clomid for making my boobs hurt all the time.
Thank you for giving me a pinching feeling around my ovaries.
Thank you for making me so emotional that I feel like I need to be in a padded room.
Thank you for making me so cold I could probably make an igloo out of my limbs.
Thank you for making me sweat at night so I end up taking off my clothes. Especially since it leads to more baby making each evening!!

But thank you clomid for making me one step closer to having a child.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ice Ice Baby

We are in the midst of ice storm 2011. This is said to be one of the largest storms in US History in 30 years!! The storm started last night around 6pm and will continue until late Wed.

Here's what I woke up to.......

I think I need to invest in some ice skates. We are prepared to lose power. Thankfully I'm not having to go to work today. I would much rather have the school kids safe than be out in this crazy weather.
Stay safe everyone. We are living on a big slip and slide!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

12 grapes, red panties

The time: December 26, 2010
The Place: Living room couch with laptop in toe
What: Googleing

That day I spent my afternoon looking up New Year's traditions or superstitions for fertility. There are many many things out there, trust me. I decided to try a few.

12 grapes
As I was conducting my research I found that grapes symbolize fertility. Good fertility to be exact. The one that produces great eggs and many babies. Yep that's what I want. Good eggs and many many babies. Here's the catch, you had to eat twelve grapes at the stroke of midnight in the new year. Each grape represents one month of the new year. The first grape is Jan, second Feb, and so on.... The taste of the grape tells you your fertility outlook for the year. I will get to my grapes in a minute.

red panties
Another silly tradition is to wear red panties. Red symbolizes romance. And we know that you need romance to make babies. You are supposed to ware red panties on new years eve. At the stroke of midnight you are to turn them inside out. On Jan 2, you MUST throw them away as it would bring bad luck in the romance department. I actually had to go out and buy some red panties.

New Year's Eve 2010
As I sit in my pj's, red undies underneath, watching Carson in New York waiting for the ball to drop, grapes in hand, I think about how silly and desperate I look. Isn't it funny what we would do to help benefit our fertility. Especially those of us who have experienced pregnancy/infant loss. We would do anything to help our bodies better for pregnancy. In hopes that we someday have a successful pregnancy.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!!!

Take off those red panties and turn them around. Check
Eat 12 grapes. Check

How fascinating is this! ALL of my grapes were SWEET! This means that I will have sweet things that happen with my fertility. How fun is that!!!

Sweet grape of January
Yep, my first sweet grape. Battling infertility is one of the hardest, most emotionally trying things I have ever had to experience. If someone was to walk out and say that I was going to have some good luck with infertility, I would probably laugh. But these sweet grapes have given me a bit of hope.

So, how has my fertility this month been? Pretty sweet I would say.

First off... I got some great news! My cd21 progesterone was the highest it had ever been at the lovely level of 39. I was so stoked about this number that I couldn't really think of anything, but going to poas just 8 days later. When that time came, the test was negative. I felt crushed. Then I started to look on the bright side. I knew that things were moving in the right direction. This was the first time we had a good level! My body is starting to respond to this treatment. What a plus!!!

I started my next round of clomid at 100mg. This cycle, I wasn't really expecting much. That's just how it seems to go with my body. One month is fantastic, the next is horrid. I was a little crushed by this as well. Then I started to feel things. Things on both sides of my uterus. Things on both sides of my reproductive system. Could it be? Are both sides going to ovulate this month?

I went in for my cd 14 ultrasound to check and see how those follies of mine were doing. Lo and behold this was the BEST ultrasound I have ever had! I had so many good sized ruptured follies on both sides! Everything looked great. Going into this appointment I was sure that it was going to be bad news, but after seeing that screen and hearing those words "best ultrasound ever" made my life change.

I know I'm going to be a mommy soon. With each new cycle of clomid good things happen.

For Feb, I'm hoping for a good cd21 progesterone level (2nd of the month) and a bfp. If a bfp does not come I will know that next cycle will be even better.

Positive outcomes only.
"For nothing is impossible with God." Matthew 1:37

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This reality

How long do you try before you just accept total failure? It's been 2 1/2 years and we are still in the same boat as we were with our fist miscarriage. Well, with the exception of knowing that I have a progesterone disorder. Still, wouldn't you think we would have had a baby by now.

I'm so tired.

I cant seem to think about anything other than making babies. I've lost the luster for life. The luster for love of my husband. We both have. No more enjoying what we have. No spending exciting times together. TTC has really drained us financially, emotionally, and physically.

So what do you do? When do you accept defeat?

Today is cd14, and we have yet to do some baby dancing. Honestly, I don't think it's going to happen. Why?

Last night we decided that we needed to do the deed. So we put on some romantic music. Got comfortable cuddling in the nude. Just to get ourselves ready. When the mood finally struck, it was fantastic. But that wonderful fantasy, was short lived. About half way through the dancing my beloved husbands member decided to shut down. I mean like close the doors on that factory for good. Now this has happened before, but we were able to get him back. This time, it just failed.

We became such emotional handbags after that that TTC doesn't even seem appealing anymore. This has been such a long, time consuming process. It has literally consumed all aspects of our lives!

What days do we have sex?
How I lay in bed afterwards?
Does my temp look okay?
How about those follies? Are they big enough?
Do I get the trigger shot?
Please let my progesterone be above 23!!
POAS, POAS, POAS...........

I think about having a baby all the freaking time! I don't understand how people can abuse, mistreat, not love their children. All I want is a baby. A child to call my own, yet I'm having such a hard time getting the thing that I want. When there are people out there who do bad things to their children, how do they get to have them and I don't!!

Maybe I should have been one of those girls in HS who got knocked up. Could I have stayed pregnant then and have a beautiful child now? I'll never know. Because I took the safe route, I get penalized. More like being drug through the worst of times.

We both still really want to have a child, but can we handle any more of this disappointment?

I feel like I just want to accept this childless life of mine. Forget about ever having children and prepare myself for a lonely miserable unfulfilled life. But that's not what I want. I want the dream. I want what I've always wanted.

But when will it get here? At what cost?

I don't know if I can handle this anymore.......

Monday, January 24, 2011


All of us dream. Some of them we remember, some we want to forget, some we can't seem to remember. What if it's reoccurring? What if it's to the T the same dream that you had a few months ago?

That's whats happening to me.

Since I've been on clomid I've been having this reoccurring dream. It's always exactly the same.

It's day 28 and I poas, negative. Of course. Two days later AF arrives. I haul my beautiful self to the pharmacy to pick up my rx for clomid. On days 3-7 I take that blessed clomid and have the normal pinching feelings. Then I go in for my cd14 ultrasound. The tech Patty does goes right to the internal one. (those are no fun) She starts talking and then stops. Smiles. Says "Well Stacy, It looks like you are 8wks pregnant." I freak out start talking about how its not possible because AF was here. Then freak out even more because I've taken clomid and fear for my child.

I then, wake up.

Not sure why this keeps happening to me. Why I keep having this dream.. Maybe it's my fear of something being wrong with a pregnancy? Maybe its my deep desire of wanting a baby? Whatever the reason I'm not sure. I just know that I need to expect it to happen every month right before my cd 14 ultrasound....

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Just the two of you???

I hate getting that question when we walk into an eating establishment. "Are there only two of you" "Just the two of you?" Yes there are JUST two of us. If I had any control over the situation there would be more.

I know they don't mean any harm. Or those people who ask "so do you have any kids?" Yes, we do have children. No, they are no longer living. Someday there will be, hopefully, children in our arms, holding our hands, or calling us mommy and daddy.

Until that day it's just the two of us.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I just....

got this book. Hope it gives me some help.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Insurance Woes

Today I contacted our insurance company to see which of the 3 RE's I've been suggested were covered. Well two of them are! Thank goodness. But there's some bad news. Our insurance does nothing to cover infertility. No testing, no treatments, no meds. Nothing. So what's the point in even covering the RE!

There is no possible way we can afford the treatments other than clomid. But clomid isnst working. Thank goodness its on the cheap list.

My OB said that IUI would greatly increase our chances of having a healthy lasting pregnancy. But how could I afford it? I can't. At least not on my own.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Clomid round 3 & 4

Yes, its been awhile, again... I apologize. Haven't really had much luck with computers of the past few months.

Clomid round 3 ~ My progesterone level was 9. I wasn't really expecting anything from it, but was surprised when I tested and found that I was pregnant. However, that pregnancy was failing from the beginning. So here we are with miscarriage number four! UGH! On the plus side we were able to start trying again since I wasn't far along at all. We also decided that we are going to get an RE. So while we are waiting to find one that's covered by our insurance we will continue our clomid plan in hopes that I get a positive hpt so I don't have to go to an re.

Clomid round 4 ~ This cycle!!! My progesterone was amazing this month! A whooping 39! I was beyond ecstatic about this high number. It was the highest I ever had. i was sure that it was going to bring some great news. I have felt and am still feeling some things on my right side. I know my right side is the good side. Left, not so much. well today I am 11dpo and my ordered poas day. So I did..... another negative.

I really just feel like pushing all hopes and dreams of ever becoming a mother down the drain. I'm tired, frustrated, sad, afraid. unsure of what to do next. TTC is the pitts. I wish it was easier. I wish I was a mommy already.