Friday, June 27, 2014


There are days where I feel like time is standing still. Like I'm running and running towards our dream and nothing changes. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in a hole, and I have to work harder and harder to get myself back on land where the sun shines. This battle that I am fighting, this journey that I have been traveling, has changed my(our) life. Things look differently. You can't watch the news, because it breaks your heart to see all of these people making bad choices and harming their children. I don't understand why people would do such thing. It breaks my heart. Then you have my husband and myself who are pouring out our hearts to try to have just one child. Just one. We have so many babies in heaven, but none in our arms. I wish we had one in our arms. Just one. I know we are great parents. I know that we can offer so much to a child. I just want to have that chance. I want to be given the chance to have a child in our arms. A chance to have a biological child.

Sometimes I wish time would hurry, but I know that I need to enjoy this ride that I'm on. This path that I have been given. This journey to parenthood.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Tubal, SIS, money.......future?

Yes.............I have drifted away.....again...................

That's what happens when I'm off busily making the most of life. (or trying to avoid)

Soo.....Where did I leave off? Oh yes, I had my lap. I am so grateful for that surgery. It was nice to know that I had that uterine septum and it was removed. What really bummed me out was the fact that the promise that I would have a child by that summer, was a LIE! All lies. In fact, I did have another pregnancy. Like always it ended in doom. It actually started off with doom.

Nov. 7, 2013 ~ We found out we were pregnant. J and I were both excited that we were in fact pregnant again and it would have been a summer baby. HOWEVER, we did not know that this pregnancy would change our life. things started out great. My numbers were increasing beautifully. We go in for our first ultrasound, and the tech couldn't find the baby. So we waited. Maybe it was hiding??? More blood work, and my HCG kept rising, but not so much with my progesterone. Back for another ultrasound, and still no baby. The baby was in my tubes. Yes, I was having an ectopic pregnancy in my left tube. Not only was I pregnant, but it was going to kill me if things didn't happen quickly. I took the methotrexate shot. YIKES! It was painful. Not the shot itself, but the actual shot working in my system. Then it took FOREVER for my HCG to return to normal. And to this day we never got a below 5 rating. In March, it was still at 10. So we stopped.

In April, I had to have yet another HSG. PAINFUL! I had this procedure done at a different facility, without my RE. First of all, they didn't have the right size of clamps. So the radiologist was pushing and pushing on the clamps to try to get the dye into my uterus. Then came the burning, the crying, the cramping. I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I lay there crying. And I couldn't stop. So here I am on this table. Clamps being shoved into me. A male radiology student staring at the wall (imagine how uncomfortable he was). All while I am crying like a.......well......a woman who has lost all of her children because of her hostile body.

Come to find tubes...are not so good now. Thank you ectopic pregnancy! You're the best! HA!

Dr. G gave us a new choice. 1. to have another lap to fix my tubes, but the risk of tubals is greater. or 2. IVF. Imagine all of the thousands of dollars we have spent on TTC already. We have exhausted our savings account. We have tried EVERYTHING. And now he is telling me that I need $15k to have a baby! I dont have that kind of money. We are living on a teacher's and state workers salary. Jokes on you, that's what I make in half a year. It will take us 4 YEARS to save up the money with the money that we put into our savings. 4 YEARS! That would mean I would be 35 and finally trying to go through IVF. But here's the kicker. It might not work! That could be $15k down the drain, or it could be the babies that we have always dreamed of. J and I decided we needed to talk before making any rash decisions. Then Dr. G suggested that we have a SIS (saline ultrasound) done to see if he can even preform an IVF procedure on me.

June 16, 2014 ~ SIS. Once again my wonderful high cervix played hard to get, so another uncomfortable experience. Turns out he can get to everything for IVF. My body looks great and all my hormones are awesome! Now why can't I STAY PREGNANT! Could it be that my implantation isn't that great because my cycles are super short. Between that and my APS, I'm a real puzzle. So then we are back to the discussion of IVF or surgery.

I get to the car and am a total mess. I cried from 4:00 pm until 12:30 am. (I'm not kidding over 8 hrs of crying, sobbing really.) What are we going to do? I want to have a family. I want to be able to experience pregnancy. At least once. But we don't have the money. What am I going to do!?

With my eyes swollen shut from crying the day before, I set out my search on google. I decided to make a gofundme account to raise money for this. I hate doing that. I hate asking people for help. I hate asking people for money. I don't want to do this, but I don't know what to do...... I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed my husband. Like I've failed my life, my children......myself....This journey has been the hardest journey for me. Harder than anything. It has left me emotionally and financially drained. And we still don't having living children. This sucks....I don't understand why it has to be so hard for us, and easy for others. Why people who kill there children through abortion or acts of cruelness can have those babies, and I can't have mine? It's not fair that we have lost every child. We have a great home. A great life. A great family. Great jobs....

I need everyone to pray. Pray that we find the money to have children. Pray that whatever we decide to do works and we end up with a baby in our arms, not another loss. Pray that we make the right decision. Pray. Just pray.

If you know of any other ways to save, raise, or find money for treatments, please let me know. If you would like to donate to our journey please visit our gofundme account at