Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A book of Hope

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, MD

I am not one who particularly loves the non-fiction genre, unless it appeals to my heart, my desire, or my need for more information. This book does all of that for me, considering I have lost three children this year due to miscarriage (one in April 09, and twins in November 09). My wonderful husband bought this book as a Christmas gift for the both of us. It is a means of getting ourselves back on family planning while still remembering our angel babies. After reading some of my new fiction novels, I ripped this book of of my self and began devouring the pages between the covers.

This book discusses all of the possible causes of the loss of a child. It goes into detail about how to grieve and move on with life while still remembering your angel. There is one chapter in particular that helps you realise if you are ready to start trying again. I think this book is a must read for any parent who has suffered the loss of a child at no matter what stage.

Though I have only begun to read this book, I have found many answers to my questions. I also have written down many questions that I need to ask my doctor.

I really hope this blog entry helps those of you who have suffered decide to pick up the book and begin reading.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I want to start a riot!

Down with condoms! Down with bc pills or whatever you take! I feel like burring all of these things in my back yard! After TTC for over 16 months with losing three angels, in one year I might add) and no sticky baby success I'm starting to get a little irritated! Especially at those who can just open their legs and poof they are preggers. I'm a pretty healthy person with the exception of my grass allergy. Who is with me? I am going to burn the rubbers in my back yard!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

March of Dimes

Today I have decided to join the March of Dimes community to help support healthy pregnancies and babies. Suffering through the loss of three children due to miscarriages I can relate. I want to help raise money because of my three angels. I want to help others and myself have healthy pregnancies and babies. Please support this cause!

Happy EDD Baby H!

Dear Baby H,
It was nine long months ago that daddy and I found out we were expecting you. We were both so elated! Happy that you were about to come into our lives and change every aspect of our future. Oh how we loved you from the minute we found out we had you. I started shopping for all things baby. I bought you diapers, onsies, bibs.... The list could go forever. Daddy and I started picking out names. But sadly, a few days later your body decided to leave mine and go to heaven. It was then that we found out that we carried you for three weeks. Those three weeks were the happiest of my life. I will never forget how you changed my thoughts about living life. I learned that life is way to short to not have love in your heart. I hold so much love for you my angel. So much. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you waiting for me in heaven. I miss you my dear. Daddy misses you as well.


Monday, December 14, 2009

Holiday Cheer

Many of my memorable moments from my childhood come to me from the gathering of families around the holiday season. My favorite holiday would be that of Christmas. I love the lights, decorations, music, and over all good cheer! Having the economy in turmoil this holiday season it has been harder to purchase gifts for loved ones, even decor for our home. My MIL gifted me several of her "unwanted" Christmas decorations to fill my house with some Christmas spirit. I am grateful that she had extras that she was willing to give up so my house would no longer be bare during my favorite holiday of the year. Another item that I've decided is that I am only able to buy on gift for each person. This year I've decided to gift the necessities rather than the wanted. Many people in my family are struggling with purchasing necessities this year. Why not be the one to help them? Just to brighten their day, I may throw a wished gift in there too! Have a great holiday!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Absolutely Positutley

Positive outlook anyone? I'm starting to refresh my life. I want to start things over. I want to have a healthy attitude so I can pass it on to my someday near future children. I'm bringing back the heart wall!!

After the loss of our first child, BabyH, I began to sink into a deep depression. I didn't want to get out of bed. I would rather not have talked to anyone, with the exception of Mr. H. I was basically a zombie roaming the earth. I decided that enough was enough! I wanted to change my life, my destiny. I had no need to sit on the couch and mope around. I needed to be up and moving. In our old domicile I started the heart wall. The sole purpose of this wall was to create a more positive environment, a more positive me. I cut out heart shapes and wrote some positive thoughts on each one. I hung them all in a frequently used hallway, right next to a mirror. Each time I walked past the hearts I would read one of them to remind myself to be more positive. When my mood was negative I had to force myself to read, but I did, and it made my spirits rise.

Now that we are in our new home I have yet to hang or create a heart wall. I guess it is about time to get it started! I have found that I'm slipping back to my ol negative ways! I want an absolutely positutley positive attitude!!!

First heart, we will make a sticky baby!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I need some vodka, maybe a margaritia!

This week, well since Friday, has been one of the most stressful, emotional, and discouraging weeks I've had in a long time. Car troubles, money issues, and chaotic emotions about my three angels waiting for me in heaven.

Friday my car BROKE DOWN while I was on my way home from work. Now those of you that know Indiana weather right now know that its not the greatest time to break down - snow, high winds, freezing temperatures - especially when you are alone. I limped my car home, freaking out mind you, the entire 5 minute ride home panic stricken wondering "what the crap will I do if it just stops!" I kissed our driveway when I made it home! Thankful to not be stuck out in the ice box we call Indiana.

When the hubs called I told him about my wonderful '98 Hyundai accent (yea, I've had the car since I was 16). He tore it apart on Monday. After much money was spent to fix the beater it was up and running yesterday. Josh has decided to drive it to work, one b/c its cheaper on gas, and two he wants me to be in the oh so reliable pick-em-up truck. Can we say clunkers? I think it might be time to invest in a new mode of transportation. Bicycles? I can just see myself outside in 3 ft of snow with the wind blowing my hair, snot running down my Rodolph nose, trying to get to work without falling on my face.

In other news we basically used all but $200 from our checking account to fix my car and buy gas. Nice!

Then yesterday was pretty depressing. All the ladies wanted to talk about at our lunch was death, dying, and children passing before their time. All I could think about were my three little angels waiting in heaven for me. It sucks that they had to leave me, but things happen for a reason. Could my car be the reason? How about the lack of a teaching job? I think I just need to get some life things in order, and quick. I want to have my babies before I lose my mind!

I really need a drink! lol

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Operation Sticky Baby

It's time to get on track. It's time to get my body prepared and refocused to house a super sticky baby. So here is the plan... My doctor recommended that I go on ovarian dysfunction therapy. In a nut shell it is diet and exercise. As of now I am using my digestion tract to rid of all of the food items in my house that I am not allowed to eat.

1. Chicken, turkey, fish (no preserved meats)
2. Dark green or green veggies
3. Three eggs a week
4. Milk products, but NO milk
5. Salads, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, lo-cal dressing
6. No caffeine, chocolate, sugar, starchy foods, rice, pasta, potatoes, alcoholic beverages or smokes

Okay so the smokes and alcoholic beverages I already have covered. Never smoked, only drink maybe once every six months. Its going to be tough not having chocolate or rice. I love rice!!

I have to start a rigid exercise routine as well. This will start tomorrow.

3 days/week low impact aerobic workout
4 days/week walking, swimming or cycling

Tomorrow I will get out the ol' yoga ball and my many exercise videos. I will have a skinny booty!! This diet is to help regulate the communication between my ovaries and brain. I have high hopes that this will work to have a super sticky bambino. I will do ANYTHING to have one of my kiddos stay with me for 9 months. This is the first step. It will only get better from here.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

D Day

Today is the day that I will officially lose my twins, D&C. I am a little nervous, anxious, frightened, sad, basically pretty emotional. I really hope that my doc figures out what is going on with my body. I want to have a healthy pregnancy. I want to be able to carry my children to term. Our high school health teachers lie! They make it sound like it's so easy to get pregnant. I guess they use that as a scare tactic so teens won't have sex. If I knew it would be this hard for me to conceive, I would have started years ago.