What makes me stronger?

From time to time, I have contemplated how I have become such a strong independent woman. It is probably due to all of the obstacles I have had to overcome in such a short time of my life. Some of these things are not so pleasant, which they shouldn't be, others are pure miracles. Honestly, how can one grow out of easy situations? I believe that those times in our lives that are challenging and make us feel like "its the end of the world" are the things of which we learn the most. These are the things have made me who I am.

Oh the joy to be a teenager. During high school I had several issues. I was the socially awkward teenage girl that really didn't fit anywhere. Little friends, younger boyfriends, and a family life that wasn't really suitable for social or emotional development. Not to mention the endless times in physical therapy and two surgeries.

Oh the joy of the lunch line. I was 16 years young standing in line with my friends waiting for the wonderful school lunch (hint of sarcasm here). I noticed this strange lump in the fold of my elbow on my left arm. I told my parents and they shipped me off to the doctors office. Oh the wonderful doctor! He decided that he was going to cut me open and just take the mass out, keep in mind he just decided this without running any tests or xrays. On the day of the scheduled removal of this thing embedded in my arm he had an ingenious thought. He had just finished giving a local operation (the same he was going to do to me) to a girl with a "similar" mass in her back, except her mass started floating around. He thought "geeze if the mass starts floating around in her arm I could really do some damage." To my relief he cancelled my surgery and sent me to get tests. Now wouldn't you do the test before you scheduled surgery?? Just a thought. I went through some tests and they decided to send me to a hand/arm specialist in a suburb of Indy. I went through even more tests: MRI, CTs, Xray.. Found out that I had a tumor wrapped around all of the nerves in my arm. So we needed to do a test to see if it was cancer. This test would be a needle biopsy. WOW! When they inserted the thing into the mass my arm started to tingle and sting. Before we had the results all I could think was "I have cancer. I'm going to lose my hair!" I found my cry to be that of a sever thunderstorm. Strong downpours with no sign of let up. When we finally got the results I was preparing myself for death by arm cancer. When I heard those words "The tumor is bi nine. You don't have cancer," I about jumped through the roof. However, it needed to be removed or it would start damaging my arm. They removed 100% of the tumor. He told me that I would probably not have full motion in my arm. Hearing that I thought that I would never get to play my musical instrument again. That put me in a really sad mood. Then I was told that there was a chance that the tumor could return. I also found that it was very unusual for the tumor to be in my arm, as they are more common in backs. After a few weeks of home therapy I went back to the doctor. To his amazement I have full use of my arm. Miracle #1 ~ I am able to use my arm with little issues. Thank you Jesus for my arm!

Ever since I was 8 years old I have had some really bad knee issues. I was born with my knee caps not in the right location. They were up and to the outside of my legs, yes both knees in the wrong spot. My knee issue is inherited on my mothers side. My grandmother had to have both of her knees replaced. Having my knees in the wrong location made for pain. My knees dislocated all the time. My knee cap would come out of place and be on the side of my leg. Thus me falling to the ground and screaming my head off due to the immense pain. The only person that can put it back in place is my grams. She would have to come to our house and put them in every time they dislocated. One time in high school gym my knee came out, but thankfully it went back in. My gym teacher made fun of me for my physical imperfection. To this day I don't like that man. When my knees dislocate I have to wrap them up, ice them down, elevate above my heart, and learn how to walk. For one day I am stuck on the couch in the healing process. Day two, I learn to walk even though the pain is killer. After I graduated high school in 2001, I went to have my left knee operated on. My surgeon was the one that did the knee operations for the Indianapolis Colts. I was in pretty good hands. My surgery consisted of moving my knee cap to the correct place in my leg, tightening the muscles and tendinitis on the inside of my leg, and having three screws put in the bone below my knee (I can feel and see the screws). I guess while I was in surgery my knee came out and he was so amazed that he had interns look at me. Strange having people look at me while I am knocked out and barely dressed. So my surgery went well. I had loads of physical therapy as I went through my freshman year of college. I hated using crutches, so when I started to feel better I didn't use them. I even went ice skating. Probably not a good idea, but I had fun and didn't get injured. One thing that my knee dr told me was that he was really surprised that I am able to walk. My knees are so bad that I shouldn't be walking. Miracle #2 ~ I can walk, even though my knees are bad. I still have three more knee surgeries to go. The surgery that was done on my left will be done to my right. Then I will have to have two surgeries to remove the screws from my knees. The dr said the scerws would start hurting and I would have to have them taken out. So far, the three that I have in my left leg don't bother me to much.

When I was 17, I fell out of love with my father. I didn't want him as a father anymore. I really didn't want him in my life. Not many people know that my father was very abusive, physically and emotionally, to me and my mom, not to mention an drunk. It was Saturday, April 21, 2001 and he was in a terrible mood. He was mad that the computer was broken. He wanted me to fix it, while he yelled and cussed. I became tired of listening to him yell. I got up from the computer and started walking to my room. I wanted to be alone, much like I wanted everyday. The next think I knew I was on my back on the floor with him sitting on my stomach. (He is a 6'5" 280lbs man) He was hitting me, pulling me up with my hair and slamming my head down on the floor. Yelling, cussing, hitting me while I lie under him crying and fighting to break free. I thought he was going to kill me. I had bruises all over my body and had to hid them when I went to school on Monday with longer sleeves and jeans. I didn't talk. I was dating Josh at the time and he knew what happened. Ever since he wouldn't let me alone with my father. I really didn't want to be alone with him. I found out that when my mom was 9 months preggos with my little sister he held a loaded gun to her stomach. When I was 22 I had enough of his abuse and moved out. I moved in with Josh so I could be safe. He still abused my mother. Last year my mom caught him with another woman. He became mad and put bruises all over her. He told her that he didn't care about my mom or me and didn't care what he did to us. Thankfully they divorced this year. He is still abusing my mom, not physically, but emotionally. He calls her all the time. She isn't strong enough yet to not answer the phone. A few months ago he was really mad and went to my moms house and said he was going to kill some people and then left. Mom called the state police. I called them the next day b/c he was threatening to take parts out of my car and harassing my husband and I by texting, calling, and driving by our house. The thing is, my dad is a cop. I don't think he should be. I think that the reason for my socially awkwardness in high school is do to the abuse that I endured throughout my life living with him. I know don't take crap from men. I have a wonderful husband who is the complete opposite of my dad. I am thankful that my husband has helped me build my self confidence and pushed me to become more social. One sad thing about this situation is that my sister has married someone like my dad. She doesn't see it yet, but her life is just like what we had growing up. I only pray that she gets out, but he has pulled her away from us. I no longer have a relationship with my sister b/c of the man she married. The man that is identical to my father.

My grandmother was the most important person in my life. She was so full of life, love, and happiness. I only dream of being like her. When I started my second freshman year of college in 2004 she had a stroke.Seeing her in the state of disoriented mind really hurt. She wasn't my grams. She was someone that took over her body and mind. I knew she wasn't going to get better. I wanted her to be at my wedding. In June 2006 we married and she was able to witness one of the happiest days of my life. Sadly the same year, two days after Christmas she passed away. That was one of the hardest times in my life, but I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. I only wish that she could have seen me have children, but she has my angel baby with her. My first daughter will be named after her. She was Mary Magdalene. My daughter will be Makayla Magdalene. I love my grams. I know she watches over me every day.

In April 2009, my husband and I finally had a BFP (big fat positive) on HPT (home pregnancy test). We were so excited. Josh wanted to tell the world that we were finally going to become parents. We told all of our family members, they were very happy for us. Then over Easter weekend I started to bleed. The bleeding increased and I went to the ER. I called Josh from work to come be with me. We had a miscarriage...This was one of the darkest times in my life. I sat around the house, mostly on the couch or in bed, for two weeks. Not answering the phone, not wanting visitors, only reading. I rarely took showers. Didn't want to eat, but Josh mad me. I didn't like the fact that I lost my child, my Baby H. Now I am able to start ttc again, but it has been hard. I'm worried that I will have another mc. Worried that I may not become pregnant. Its tough, but I'm going to survive.

Having gone through many obstacles in my life I have become stronger. I will continue to grow strong every day. My only hope is that I can help my future children to become strong and independent.