Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This reality

How long do you try before you just accept total failure? It's been 2 1/2 years and we are still in the same boat as we were with our fist miscarriage. Well, with the exception of knowing that I have a progesterone disorder. Still, wouldn't you think we would have had a baby by now.

I'm so tired.

I cant seem to think about anything other than making babies. I've lost the luster for life. The luster for love of my husband. We both have. No more enjoying what we have. No spending exciting times together. TTC has really drained us financially, emotionally, and physically.

So what do you do? When do you accept defeat?

Today is cd14, and we have yet to do some baby dancing. Honestly, I don't think it's going to happen. Why?

Last night we decided that we needed to do the deed. So we put on some romantic music. Got comfortable cuddling in the nude. Just to get ourselves ready. When the mood finally struck, it was fantastic. But that wonderful fantasy, was short lived. About half way through the dancing my beloved husbands member decided to shut down. I mean like close the doors on that factory for good. Now this has happened before, but we were able to get him back. This time, it just failed.

We became such emotional handbags after that that TTC doesn't even seem appealing anymore. This has been such a long, time consuming process. It has literally consumed all aspects of our lives!

What days do we have sex?
How I lay in bed afterwards?
Does my temp look okay?
How about those follies? Are they big enough?
Do I get the trigger shot?
Please let my progesterone be above 23!!
POAS, POAS, POAS...........

I think about having a baby all the freaking time! I don't understand how people can abuse, mistreat, not love their children. All I want is a baby. A child to call my own, yet I'm having such a hard time getting the thing that I want. When there are people out there who do bad things to their children, how do they get to have them and I don't!!

Maybe I should have been one of those girls in HS who got knocked up. Could I have stayed pregnant then and have a beautiful child now? I'll never know. Because I took the safe route, I get penalized. More like being drug through the worst of times.

We both still really want to have a child, but can we handle any more of this disappointment?

I feel like I just want to accept this childless life of mine. Forget about ever having children and prepare myself for a lonely miserable unfulfilled life. But that's not what I want. I want the dream. I want what I've always wanted.

But when will it get here? At what cost?

I don't know if I can handle this anymore.......

1 comment:

  1. Oh honey... Sending hugs and prayers. I wish I had the answer