Feelings

It has been two days since I have been injected with the hcg trigger shot. I will be at 36 hours at 2pm today. So in about 4.5 hours the trigger will have been in my system for 36 hours. It's amazing what one little drug can do.

Yesterday, I just had the curiosity to see if the trigger shot actually would work. If it would actually give me a false positive. I had one hpt left so I decided to use it. Yep i was only at cd15 and I know that there was no way that the test would be positive other than the drugs that I've been shot up with. I took it, and it was positive. thus reassuring that this is actually going to work. this has to work. I will be a mother. I am a mother. Seeing that positive, false as it may be, gives me hope that I will see a true positive soon. I have faith.

Since Friday, I've been feeling pretty tired. I actually took a nap yesterday. Taking naps are rare for me. I only take them when I'm not feeling well and that's not very often. Then I felt like going to be at 8pm. Funny how this drug makes me feel. I have also had some slight abdominal pain. Which I was told was normal since the follies would be rupturing.

I'm ready to hold a baby in my arms. This just feels right. Everything about this feels right. I hope my rightness feelings come true.

Excuse me, what was that!?!

Today I went in for my CD14 ultrasound to see how that 150mg of clomid was working in my body. From the start I told the ultrasound tech that i wanted to see if my follies were big enough to get the HCG trigger shot. (I say this each and every time I go in.) All of the sudden she starts talking about how the hcg will effect my body. How I cannot test earlier than the specified test date. Then she asks my husband if he feels comfortable giving me the shot.

Mrs. P tells me that I have three follies on the right side, one of them is mature. On the left there are two follies, one of them is mature.

A whole whirl of emotions floating through my brain. I get dressed, go out in the hallway.

Wait......................

Did they just say that I can get the trigger!!! We were standing out in the hall along with the ob and the u/s tech. I look at them and say, "so does this mean I get the trigger shot." Dr C looks at me and says that he is feeling out the script right at that very moment. Then he gets this huge smile on my face (very reassuring for me) and so do we.

This is such a huge step in our TTC journey. I hope and pray that this month is the month in which we get and stay pregnant. I've been praying to God. Visualizing a positive pregnancy test and a growing baby in my arms. I have my vision boards that are themed around a healthy pregnancy in my site at all times. Things have to work out.

Just have to be optimistic.

Lost

Here we are three days before ovulation and we have yet to have some baby making time. why? Because he is tired, he cant concentrate, he doesnt feel good, his back hurts. He wants to have a baby, but he's not interested in doing the deed. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to push and push him into having sex. I'm tired of being the one to start it all. And then today he told me that I suck at it. WTH!?! I love my husband dearly, we both want to have children desperately. Could it be that infertility has sucked our baby making out of our lives?
Why should I even continue with the clomid and prometrium? Why should I even consider going to an RE! It's pointless if he doesnt want to get it on with me.

But I do............ I love touching him, kissing him, hugging him, but I guess thats not enough any more.

I dont want to stop trying for children, but I have to have someone that wants to make love to me.

I dont know what to do anymore. I'm tired. I'm lost. I feel broken.

Late......

Today Aunt Flowage was supposed to show her beautiful face. I was ready for her so I could start another round of clomid in hopes of a good conception. Well, she normally arrives in the morning, but she has yet to show. So i took another test, negative. What the heck! I'm not sure whats going on with my body.

8

This month my progesterone level was only 8. I guess I was just expecting that since last month was so wonderful. I have to test tomorrow and call with the results. If the test is negative then af should be here Friday. What a way to start the weekend.

I just wish it was my turn already. ALL of our coupled friends are expecting. None of them had trouble with conception. In fact one of them got it on the first month. i am in total envy of that. i wish that my body would allow me to sustain a pregnancy.

i guess it's on to clomid round 3.

Prayer

"For nothing is impossible with God." Matthew 1:37

Dear Jesus, Dear Lord,

I have heard that scripture over and over that NOTHING is impossible with you. I know this to be true, but sometimes its hard to fathom. If nothing is impossible, then why do I keep losing the babies that I truly desire? That's something I just don't understand. I know you want us to be happy, but then I sit here in misery wondering why the happiness of a child has yet to be granted into my womb, into my arms, into my life. I do want to have children. It's something that I've wanted since I was in high school. But, I waited. I waited until I was married before I decided to start trying for a child. Yet, there is none with me in my arms.

I guess something that you made possible is for me to survive miscarriage after miscarriage. To come out stronger in the end, with more of a voice for myself. Maybe the lesson that I am to get out of this is to help people who have and will experience such tragedy. Lord, I pray that people don't have to experience this heartache. I pray that I don't have to experience something like this again.

Please bring my husband and I a child. One that I can hold in my arms and heart. One where I can teach to read, ride a bicycle, walk, make grilled cheese. I want to be a mommy. Please grant me my wish. Thank you for taking care of my babies that are with you.

Love,

Stacy

Dear icicle,

Dear icicle,

I can see you growing oh so long at the edge of our roof. But i suppose I should have known not to walk under you! Ouch! Thanks for falling on my head. It gives me a reminder that I need to knock you down before you do that to me again!!

Love, me

Waiting....

It seems like we are always waiting......

Waiting at the doctors office

waiting at restaurants

waiting for someone

waiting for answers

waiting for a certain time of the year (hello spring! I'm talkin to you)

waiting for a phone call

waiting for test results

waiting, waiting, waiting.

Right now, I'm waiting for that baby of mine to be in my arms. I've been waiting for two and a half years. And I can say that I've been pretty patient. Through all the testing, the four miscarriages, and watching all of my coupled friends announce pregnancies, I've been waiting. I've been somewhat patient. Now I could be a bit more patient, but nature takes over and I want things now!!

I know there is a plan for everything. That God is in control of our lives. But God, when will it be my turn to have a child of my own?

Right now, I am trying to be patient in my wait to get the results of my progesterone testing. I'm also waiting to test to see if God has granted me to be a mommy this month.

We can't change the fact that we have to wait. We will be waiting for the rest of our lives for something or another. I guess all we can do is find some coping skills to help us deal with the fact that we will have to be waiting on something. Like: reading, walking, watching television, being addicted to facebook, playing online games, playing card games... The list is endless. But I know that while I wait God has a plan for me. Something great that I have yet to see, but it's there. He knows it. Someday so will I.

"Love is NEVER tired of waiting." 1 Corinthians 13:4

ouch!

Thank you clomid!!!!

Thank you clomid for making my boobs hurt all the time.
Thank you for giving me a pinching feeling around my ovaries.
Thank you for making me so emotional that I feel like I need to be in a padded room.
Thank you for making me so cold I could probably make an igloo out of my limbs.
Thank you for making me sweat at night so I end up taking off my clothes. Especially since it leads to more baby making each evening!!


But thank you clomid for making me one step closer to having a child.

Ice Ice Baby

We are in the midst of ice storm 2011. This is said to be one of the largest storms in US History in 30 years!! The storm started last night around 6pm and will continue until late Wed.

Here's what I woke up to.......

I think I need to invest in some ice skates. We are prepared to lose power. Thankfully I'm not having to go to work today. I would much rather have the school kids safe than be out in this crazy weather.

Stay safe everyone. We are living on a big slip and slide!