Dear God,

As I am about to make my way to the hospital, I ask that you please lord, let here be a baby in there. Let my labs show a good hcg level that is correct with my 4wk 5d pregnancy. Please Jesus, let this be true. Let this be happening to in my life at this very moment. Thank you for doctors to find a cause and a cure for all of my miscarriages. I know those babies are up there in heaven watching over me. I know that you are taking care of them. Lord, please let there be a baby growing healthy in me right now.

Peace out Jesus
love, me

Dear home pregnancy tests,

Over the past few days (11 to be exact) I have taken several tests only to have them show up negative. My period is 11 day late! You would think that something is going on with my body, like hello a pregnancy!!??!! Yesterday I was so ill. So I decided to use one of your sisters a Clear Blue Easy. Look! What was that! Is that a line! I hold it up to the light call my husband into the room to stare at you. Yep. There it is a faint, faint line. It's about time! I decided to take two more of you, one last night and one this morning, and both had faint faint line. I guess it is time to call the RE. Thank you dear hpt for showing me a "I hope it is positive" test. I just wish you would have shown me sooner. I truly hope you are right!

love,
me

Yuck

This past cycle has been the strangest for me. First off my period is 10 days late. On the day of which she should have arrived I had 6 days of spotting. Yes six. No flow nothing. I have take 4 tests, all negative.

Today I feel horrid. I could not sleep at all last night. Kept tossing and turning, because I felt the need to puke. Around 5 am I in fact was face planted in the porcelain thrown throwing up dinner from last even. After that I felt fine. I was able to get a few hours of sleep. All I feel now, is weakness and well the occasional nausea. The husband has been soo good throughout this. He has given me washcloths, crackers, sprite, and chicken noodle soup. Then he lets out, "It's probably morning sickness. Wouldn't that be great!" I really do enjoy his optimism. I made him go buy another test for me. If nothing, then I will be calling for blood work.

Childhood loves

The book I'm currently reading, The Happiness Project, has really given me some incites on what it is to be happy and how to bring happiness into my life.

One chapter in the book discussed how to put more fun into your daily routine. She gave several strategies, but one that really caught my attention was to bring back things that you enjoyed in your childhood.

So I though, "what did I do in my childhood that made me the happiest?"

I thought that it would be one of those questions where I had to sit and think forever. Or I thought that, well maybe this could help, but I doubt it. I decided to put these things to the test and it actually worked. It actually infused happiness into my life for that split second.

What did I do?
1. Coloring (this was very relaxing)
2. Playdough (love the smell)
3. Hula Hoop (gives me my workout too)
4. Cutting out pictures in a magazine of what I want for my future


Now I pose this question: What did you enjoy as a child that would bring much happiness to your life?

Speed

The weekends just seem to be going faster and faster. Could it be that we have been extremely busy working on our newly purchased house to get it ready for insurance??

I say yes.

This could also be the cause of my crazy AF, well lack there of. But I am less stressed than I was a few days ago. I am hoping that she decides to show.

It has been nice doing these changes to the house. I enjoy seeing the progress. I just wish the weekends were just a little bit longer. That way we can get more accomplished. And I could get more time with the hubster.

APS

Being diagnosed with Anitphospholipid Antibodies Syndrome (APS) has been a blessing and a curse.

Blessing: I now know the reason to why I keep having miscarriages.

Curse: I have to watch my intake of green veggies because they cause blood clots. And I love me some green veggies.

APS is a blood clotting disorder that causes my body to build blood clots to kill anything in my body that isn't me. So that sweet little baby that I have growing inside of me is being attacked and starved of its nutritional supply causing me to have miscarriages.

I wish my body wasn't so mean to my unborn children, but it's what I have. I cannot change the fact that I was born with this. I just have to live with it. So if that means taking baby aspirin on a daily basis and becoming a chick with injectables, then that's what I'll do. Even though the lovely heparin gives me bruises, those bruises are there for love. For the love of the child that I am trying to create for my family.

Curse you Prometrim

Father's Day I took a home pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant. The result was negative. That evening I start some spotting. I thought okay AF is going to arrive. Since then I have only had spotting. So I tested again thinking that it was implantation, lo and behold another negative. I called my RE's office today and they said that it is probably my Prometrium slowing things down a bit. I stopped that on Monday. The nurse said it could take a while for it to get out of my system. So this spotting is just a prelude of what is to come. If I don't start flow over the weekend I am to all the dr's office. Please pray that I start or either get a positive test. I just wish something would happen already.

Changes

I'm thinking about changing our master bedroom from something out of a college dorm room as picture below:

To something a little more like this:

Yes, the layout would be different. And Yes I do love to sleep in extreme darkness, but I think having this light upbeat color of a room will really boost my mood. The transformation of this room will start....July 1st. I'm hoping it brings some happiness into my day. It's yellow. Yellow is the color of sunshine, something that makes me happy. So why not adventure into a yellow master bedroom.

Walk with a View

I decided to capture the moments in my life when I am out walking with pictures. This way I have some sort of visual reminder of what made me happy while I was walking. These pictures are of a walk I took on our recent vacation to Michigan.

Every time I look at these pictures they make me smile. Make me feel at peace and relaxed. I guess to keep that state of mind I need to look at these pictures more often.

Dear God,

Please allow my body to be able to carry a pregnancy to term. Please Lord, help me to make my husband a father of living children so that next Father's Day we will actually be able to spend it in joy, rather than sorrow. Please make me a mommy and the husband a daddy. Please.

Love, me