12 grapes, red panties

The time: December 26, 2010
The Place: Living room couch with laptop in toe
What: Googleing

That day I spent my afternoon looking up New Year's traditions or superstitions for fertility. There are many many things out there, trust me. I decided to try a few.

12 grapes
As I was conducting my research I found that grapes symbolize fertility. Good fertility to be exact. The one that produces great eggs and many babies. Yep that's what I want. Good eggs and many many babies. Here's the catch, you had to eat twelve grapes at the stroke of midnight in the new year. Each grape represents one month of the new year. The first grape is Jan, second Feb, and so on.... The taste of the grape tells you your fertility outlook for the year. I will get to my grapes in a minute.

red panties
Another silly tradition is to wear red panties. Red symbolizes romance. And we know that you need romance to make babies. You are supposed to ware red panties on new years eve. At the stroke of midnight you are to turn them inside out. On Jan 2, you MUST throw them away as it would bring bad luck in the romance department. I actually had to go out and buy some red panties.



New Year's Eve 2010
As I sit in my pj's, red undies underneath, watching Carson in New York waiting for the ball to drop, grapes in hand, I think about how silly and desperate I look. Isn't it funny what we would do to help benefit our fertility. Especially those of us who have experienced pregnancy/infant loss. We would do anything to help our bodies better for pregnancy. In hopes that we someday have a successful pregnancy.

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!!!

Take off those red panties and turn them around. Check
Eat 12 grapes. Check

How fascinating is this! ALL of my grapes were SWEET! This means that I will have sweet things that happen with my fertility. How fun is that!!!


Sweet grape of January
Yep, my first sweet grape. Battling infertility is one of the hardest, most emotionally trying things I have ever had to experience. If someone was to walk out and say that I was going to have some good luck with infertility, I would probably laugh. But these sweet grapes have given me a bit of hope.

So, how has my fertility this month been? Pretty sweet I would say.

First off... I got some great news! My cd21 progesterone was the highest it had ever been at the lovely level of 39. I was so stoked about this number that I couldn't really think of anything, but going to poas just 8 days later. When that time came, the test was negative. I felt crushed. Then I started to look on the bright side. I knew that things were moving in the right direction. This was the first time we had a good level! My body is starting to respond to this treatment. What a plus!!!

I started my next round of clomid at 100mg. This cycle, I wasn't really expecting much. That's just how it seems to go with my body. One month is fantastic, the next is horrid. I was a little crushed by this as well. Then I started to feel things. Things on both sides of my uterus. Things on both sides of my reproductive system. Could it be? Are both sides going to ovulate this month?

I went in for my cd 14 ultrasound to check and see how those follies of mine were doing. Lo and behold this was the BEST ultrasound I have ever had! I had so many good sized ruptured follies on both sides! Everything looked great. Going into this appointment I was sure that it was going to be bad news, but after seeing that screen and hearing those words "best ultrasound ever" made my life change.

I know I'm going to be a mommy soon. With each new cycle of clomid good things happen.

For Feb, I'm hoping for a good cd21 progesterone level (2nd of the month) and a bfp. If a bfp does not come I will know that next cycle will be even better.

Positive outcomes only.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Matthew 1:37

This reality

How long do you try before you just accept total failure? It's been 2 1/2 years and we are still in the same boat as we were with our fist miscarriage. Well, with the exception of knowing that I have a progesterone disorder. Still, wouldn't you think we would have had a baby by now.

I'm so tired.
Scared.
Emotional.
Nervous.

I cant seem to think about anything other than making babies. I've lost the luster for life. The luster for love of my husband. We both have. No more enjoying what we have. No spending exciting times together. TTC has really drained us financially, emotionally, and physically.

So what do you do? When do you accept defeat?

Today is cd14, and we have yet to do some baby dancing. Honestly, I don't think it's going to happen. Why?

Last night we decided that we needed to do the deed. So we put on some romantic music. Got comfortable cuddling in the nude. Just to get ourselves ready. When the mood finally struck, it was fantastic. But that wonderful fantasy, was short lived. About half way through the dancing my beloved husbands member decided to shut down. I mean like close the doors on that factory for good. Now this has happened before, but we were able to get him back. This time, it just failed.

We became such emotional handbags after that that TTC doesn't even seem appealing anymore. This has been such a long, time consuming process. It has literally consumed all aspects of our lives!

What days do we have sex?
How I lay in bed afterwards?
Does my temp look okay?
How about those follies? Are they big enough?
Do I get the trigger shot?
Please let my progesterone be above 23!!
POAS, POAS, POAS...........

I think about having a baby all the freaking time! I don't understand how people can abuse, mistreat, not love their children. All I want is a baby. A child to call my own, yet I'm having such a hard time getting the thing that I want. When there are people out there who do bad things to their children, how do they get to have them and I don't!!

Maybe I should have been one of those girls in HS who got knocked up. Could I have stayed pregnant then and have a beautiful child now? I'll never know. Because I took the safe route, I get penalized. More like being drug through the worst of times.

We both still really want to have a child, but can we handle any more of this disappointment?

I feel like I just want to accept this childless life of mine. Forget about ever having children and prepare myself for a lonely miserable unfulfilled life. But that's not what I want. I want the dream. I want what I've always wanted.

But when will it get here? At what cost?





I don't know if I can handle this anymore.......

Dreams....

All of us dream. Some of them we remember, some we want to forget, some we can't seem to remember. What if it's reoccurring? What if it's to the T the same dream that you had a few months ago?

That's whats happening to me.

Since I've been on clomid I've been having this reoccurring dream. It's always exactly the same.


It's day 28 and I poas, negative. Of course. Two days later AF arrives. I haul my beautiful self to the pharmacy to pick up my rx for clomid. On days 3-7 I take that blessed clomid and have the normal pinching feelings. Then I go in for my cd14 ultrasound. The tech Patty does goes right to the internal one. (those are no fun) She starts talking and then stops. Smiles. Says "Well Stacy, It looks like you are 8wks pregnant." I freak out start talking about how its not possible because AF was here. Then freak out even more because I've taken clomid and fear for my child.

I then, wake up.

Not sure why this keeps happening to me. Why I keep having this dream.. Maybe it's my fear of something being wrong with a pregnancy? Maybe its my deep desire of wanting a baby? Whatever the reason I'm not sure. I just know that I need to expect it to happen every month right before my cd 14 ultrasound....

Just the two of you???

I hate getting that question when we walk into an eating establishment. "Are there only two of you" "Just the two of you?" Yes there are JUST two of us. If I had any control over the situation there would be more.

I know they don't mean any harm. Or those people who ask "so do you have any kids?" Yes, we do have children. No, they are no longer living. Someday there will be, hopefully, children in our arms, holding our hands, or calling us mommy and daddy.

Until that day it's just the two of us.

I just....

got this book. Hope it gives me some help.

Insurance Woes

Today I contacted our insurance company to see which of the 3 RE's I've been suggested were covered. Well two of them are! Thank goodness. But there's some bad news. Our insurance does nothing to cover infertility. No testing, no treatments, no meds. Nothing. So what's the point in even covering the RE!

There is no possible way we can afford the treatments other than clomid. But clomid isnst working. Thank goodness its on the cheap list.

My OB said that IUI would greatly increase our chances of having a healthy lasting pregnancy. But how could I afford it? I can't. At least not on my own.

Clomid round 3 & 4

Yes, its been awhile, again... I apologize. Haven't really had much luck with computers of the past few months.

Clomid round 3 ~ My progesterone level was 9. I wasn't really expecting anything from it, but was surprised when I tested and found that I was pregnant. However, that pregnancy was failing from the beginning. So here we are with miscarriage number four! UGH! On the plus side we were able to start trying again since I wasn't far along at all. We also decided that we are going to get an RE. So while we are waiting to find one that's covered by our insurance we will continue our clomid plan in hopes that I get a positive hpt so I don't have to go to an re.

Clomid round 4 ~ This cycle!!! My progesterone was amazing this month! A whooping 39! I was beyond ecstatic about this high number. It was the highest I ever had. i was sure that it was going to bring some great news. I have felt and am still feeling some things on my right side. I know my right side is the good side. Left, not so much. well today I am 11dpo and my ordered poas day. So I did..... another negative.

I really just feel like pushing all hopes and dreams of ever becoming a mother down the drain. I'm tired, frustrated, sad, afraid. unsure of what to do next. TTC is the pitts. I wish it was easier. I wish I was a mommy already.