You're Killing Me

Today I had a doctors appointment to prep me for my D&C tomorrow. I thought I was strong going into the office. Not going to cry, because I've done that already. I thought I had shed tears for my lost twins. As soon as I walked in the door my eyes started to water. This is the end of it. The end of holding my twins. The end of this pregnancy. There were several expectant mothers and fathers in the waiting room. Why can't we be those parents? Why do we have to suffer time and time again with the loss of our unborn children?! I just wish it was our time. Our time to have a family. I guess it will come eventually.

Of these things I am thankful

Although this week has been gloomy for me emotionally and physically, I still believe there are things for me to be thankful.

First off, I am thankful that I was actually able to get pregnant twice. Having carried three babies with me for a few months is probably more than some others can only imagine. God allowed me to carry those children for a while to show me how precious life is. To those of you that have tried and are unable to conceive, my deepest sympathy.

I am thankful for my husband. Without him I would be devastated. He is my rock, my shelter, my shoulder to cry on. He is the greatest support system I could ever imagine having by my side on a daily basis. I am thankful for his love, devotion, and personality. Thank you dear for being with me for 9 wonderful years.

Oh the joy of having a home. Last month we moved into our new home. Its beautiful! Its warm. I am thankful that I have a place to call home. A place where I don't have to worry about frozen water pipes, freezing in the middle of winter, or having the house blow away when a storm comes. Dear God, thank you for our wonderful brick home. I have a place that I can truly call home. There are many in this world who have no shelter. Please be with those who haven't a place to stay.

Finally, no matter how much they drive me crazy. I am thankful for my family. They have brought me laughter, anger, joy, and comfort throughout this past year. Without any of them by my side supporting me I don't think I would have made it this far.

Thanksgiving is a time of thanks and contemplation about all of the things in your life of which to be happy. Though I have suffered many great losses this year, I am thankful that there are things in my life I can still depend upon. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

A new investment

After much debate and tiredness of bleeding through a pad an hour, I have decided to make a new investment. Yes, I think I should invest in adult diapers. Maybe then I wouldn't leak all over my clothing. Depends here we come! :)

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"

What a way to welcome myself back to the site. Right now life really sucks. It all started on October 26, 2009. Josh and I were working on our new home, getting ready to paint. Just to be safe I took a home pregnancy test before painting. Low and behold a BFP! Why does this suck you may wonder? Lets just say life has slapped me upon the face, given me the finger, and took off laughing. The first week of November I went for blood work to see my levels. HCG 4000 confirming that I am 5 weeks 5 days preggers. On the 7th I started having some light spotting that went away the same day. Then on November 20th the spotting came back with her hand so shoved up my vagina pulling blood out! Here we go again. Heavy freakin spotting. Over the weekend the spotting became heavier. I put it in the back of my mind. Figured it was hormonal changes. I was 8 weeks along at this point. Then my world came crashing down. I woke up Monday morning covered in blood. I had Josh rush me to the ER at 6am. I felt losing Baby H all over again. This time it was worse. They immediately got me in for blood work and an ultrasound. They came back into my room with the horrid results. This time my hcg level was 300. I had lost both babies. Yes I said both! We were expecting twins. During the ultrasound they found two empty sacks where my babies should have been. After I left the ER we went straight to the drs office to go over my results in depth. This is when we learned that we lost both babies. I found that I have two cysts. One on my ovaries and the other on my cervix. He said this could be a result from my April miscarriage, but is not 100% sure. He was also amazed that I actually became pregnant since my cycles were so short. He also believes that my brain is not communicating with my ovaries the way it should. I was a late bloomer, which may have very well caused all of these things. He suggested that I have a D&C to remove all of the tissue as well as the cysts. I will be undergoing this process on Dec. 2nd. I was hoping that it would have been done before Thanksgiving, but guess not. I have to suffer through bleeding through a pad an hour during the holiday season. After my D&C I will start a special diet for ovarian dysfunction. He said this is sure to help me conceive and stay pregnant. When we start trying again I have to start testing right away, before expected AF. When I do get another BFP I will immediately start prometrium, a hormone to help me keep the baby.

This year has been emotionally and physically draining as means of TTC. I am tired of being elated finding out that we are expecting, only to have me lose my precious babies. I just want to scream at the world. Why the crap can I not keep my children when those in poverty can have theirs!! I guess God only knows. TTC really sucks. Life sucks. I just wish this was easy for me. But its not. Having had gone through losing three children now (in just one year) has tortured my emotions. It will take a while for me to jump back onto the TTC train. I think that breaking for a while while I get my body, mind, and emotions in line is the best thing to do for now. I guess the old saying is true. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger." I guess this means that I will be a great parent for having to endure all of this stress both physically and emotionally. Please keep us in your prayers. We are in for a long road of recovery.